"Saving Fritz"

I have to share this right now, because writing helps. It helps me get it all out. It helps me to make sense of all these emotions. It helps knowing someone, somewhere might read it and be moved, and that I might not have to suffer alone.

I am, and always will be, an honest person. I wear my feelings, and share my experiences with those in my life. That's what this blog is about. My life - the good, the bad, and the worst. I can't edit my life; therefore I don't edit what I say on this blog.

I have to come to terms tonight with something that's so painful I don't even know if emotions or words exist to describe it. I have to come to the sad realization that I might lose someone I care about very deeply. To addiction. Someone I fell in love with. Someone I watched make the decision daily that substances meant more than love. Than family. Than friends. Than life.

It's so scary, addiction. It takes over someone's heart and mind in a way that's incomprehensible to the outside world. I think even to the addict. I never thought I would know anything about addiction. I always thought I was "above" this disease. Then I realized that no one is above it. It is just like a tornado, destroying everything in its path. It destroys trust. It destroys love. It destroys life. It drains the addict - and those who love them - of their life and happiness.

We all hear about "tough love", and everyone watching the cycle from the outside thinks it's so easy to do. But it's one of the hardest things ever. How do you just walk away from someone who you love so deeply? How do you just let them make these horrible decisions?

I fought the battles. I waged the gruesome, bloody war. Addiction won every time. I have had countless promises broken. Countless calls go unanswered. Countless sleepless nights wondering if he's alive. I have done all I can do. I am waving the white flag, surrendering to this disease I can't control. It manipulates. It doesn't discriminate. Anyone can suffer. Anyone. And everyone.

I decided a long time ago that the relationship was over. But that doesn't stop the pain of what seems to be inevitable. The possibility that someone who changed my life in ways I never thought possible could die from this. Die. And I can't do anything to stop it. As I sit here tonight, I realize this life - his life - is out of my control. It's a piercing pain that will never go away, but that I hope one day will allow me to live in peace. I know I did all I could do, and I have no regrets. Not one. I have so many questions, but I don't think I'll ever find the answers. I can only move forward knowing I can't go through the rest of my life "Saving Fritz".