What I Do Have

It's not even 10:00 on a Thursday night and I am EXHAUSTED! I'm sitting here on "J's" couch with a re-run of The Office on mute (which, by the way, I thought was NEW) in a daze. I am tired after a week of long and stressful days at work. I am tired of the cold and snow that make it impossible to enjoy fresh air and the feel of sun on my face. And, most of all, I am tired of hearing about how bad the world is getting and how miserable everyone is.

It's so weird. People have been talking about a recession for a long time now, and we've heard rumblings of lay-offs in different cities across the country. All of a sudden, though, it seems to have hit home. And it seems to have come out of nowhere.

I feel like the past 2 weeks have been more stressful at work than I have ever experienced before. My boss is a walking zombie. He was the reason I took this job with this company - his compassion, his character, his attitude. But something has changed that. He still cares - but no longer has time or energy to show it. Everyone in my office has become painfully aware of this reality and has consequently stopped smiling. I used to love going to the office and now I dread it. It has become a constant reminder that the world we used to know is no longer.

This makes me angry. It makes me angry because I like that world. I like when people smile and have hope. I like when people talk about traveling and babies and marriage and new beginnings. I feel like all anyone is talking about right now is endings and misery. No one is talking about the good times - what's ahead, what was, and what is now.

I was texting with my best friend last night when I told her about something I heard about my own company. She immediately asked me how I was and told me she's praying for me and she loves me. During our conversation I was washing the dishes with the lights low, candles lit, and music playing. Afterwards I climbed into bed where I was joined a while later by "J", who kissed me softly and told me he's the luckiest man in the world (I think this is just a line to get, well, you know.) I rolled over, smiled, and fell asleep in his arms.

I walked to work this morning listening to Eminem. I saw people everywhere trying not to fall on the ice. I had a GREAT client call. I talked to my best friend who's planning on spending Valentine's Day with me in Boston. I emailed with an old friend I miss terribly. And made plans to see my old roomie tomorrow night at my favorite bar.

I realized that all this really sucks. And it's scary. And there will be moments I will be sad and angry. But, I have so much. I think we all do. I just think sometimes when we're all wrapped up in what we don't have, it's so hard to see - and be grateful for - the things we do. That's a tight rope to walk, as we often lose those things if we don't hold on tight enough. So, despite the fact that I'm a little sad, and really frustrated with the world right now, I can't let it kill my energy or my spirit. It has been trying, and there have been moments this week that I've given in to it just like the rest of the world - but life's just too good to complain about it.

So in a few minutes I'm going to crawl into bed and fall asleep to some soft music and wake up tomorrow to finish off this long week. And, I'm going to be grateful for the stress because it's better than unemployment stress! And then I'm going to enjoy a weekend of sleeping in, late breakfasts, good-looking British men (or, really, just one), SuperBowl parties and vegetarian chili. If my life stays like this, I don't see one reason to complain!

My soundtrack

I love music. I know a lot of people say that, but I REALLY love it. I spend my entire day immersed in lyrical goodness - when I get ready in the morning, on the bus on my way to work, with my headphones on at the office, on the bus on my way "home". When I get "home", whenever possible, I put on my favorite music videos. I can't even imagine a day without it. It is simply a part of who I am.

I love to learn new music. Be introduced to new artists. Hear their stories. Listen to their lyrics. Create my own plot. I love when a song is so good you disappear into the melody, swept away by the rhythm and flow of the words. When the beat makes it impossible to not play the air drums. (Yes, I really do this at my desk). When a song is so sad you cry because you can feel the pain through the music. Or when a new song takes you by surprise when it reveals a painful truth you might have missed.

As I (attempt to) write my book, I often think about what songs I would choose as my story's "soundtrack" should A Sophisticated Mess ever make it to the big screen (hey - a girl can dream). Since this is preliminary and just a pipe dream, you cannot hold me accountable should this list change between the time of this post and the movie premier. I just thought I'd share a few of my favorites, in case anyone else loves music as much as I do and wants to expand your music library.

Sugarland: Already Gone
This is actually my "theme" song. I first heard it in the back on my parent's car driving home from dinner with my grandpa. I only heard the last verse (about her leaving with her boxes packed as he stood waving), but sat sobbing silently in the backseat. I went immediately to Target to buy the CD. I put it in my car and listened to it over...and over...and over. And just sobbed. It's my life. Every verse.
Taylor Swift: Cold As You
Rascal Flatts: Movin On
Saving Abel: Addicted
Rascal Flatts: My Biggest Fear
One Republic: Apologize
Augustana: Boston
Duh. Haha! I think I played this song 100 times when I moved out here. I still get chills.
Eminem: Shake That
Whenever I hear this song, I see myself as the star of my own sitcom, walking down the street to this beat (think 21st century Mary Tyler Moore)
Elton John: Tiny Dancer
Usher: Love in the Club
Awesome story of going to a gay club with my old roomie and being FLIPPED upside-down
Keith Urban: Got It Right This Time
Ray LaMontagne: Can I Stay
Brandi Carlisle: The Story
Dixie Chicks: Lullaby
Led Zeppelin: ANY
Bon Jovi: Never Say Goodbye
Kris Delmhorst: Words Fail Me
Carrie Underwood: Starts With Goodbye
Flo Rida: Low
Sugarland: All I Want to Do

There are so many more. This is just a sampling of some of the songs that would HAVE to be included on a soundtrack of these past few years. Of course I didn't include any NKOTB in there (which I'm listening to as I type), but I think that goes without saying.

I hope you like this sampling. May listening to these songs bring you as much joy as it has me. And, if anyone has a favorite song they'd like to add to my library, I'm always open to musical suggestions!

"Let's Go To The Movies"

I love going to the movies. I love that I get to just disappear into someone else's story for two hours. I love everything about the experience. However, last night's movie left me feeling less than warm-hearted.

My office had Monday off to celebrate MLK Jr. Day - an awesome thing! So, we all got back into the office yesterday after a long weekend, and starting recapping our activities. Two friends mentioned they went to see this movie called "Revolutionary Road", and that it was definitely worth seeing. One of them has a very similar story to mine - married in her early twenties, divorced, moved to Boston, found the love of her life. She tells me that I have to see this movie, but for people like us - people who have made the hard decision to leave - it's very emotional. "You have to see it, but you will cry," she says to me.

I immediately message "J" and ask him if he wants to see a movie after work. With extreme excitement, he said he'd love to after reading the movie's description. We began messaging about the feelings of guilt I have been experiencing towards my own past, and I warn him that I might be "a little emotional". We both agreed it would be one of those movies that sparks awesome conversation and insight into the human psyche. Well, we were right about that.

First of all, this movie is amazing. The acting is phenomenal. The story is intense. I highly recommend it as a movie to be seen. However, if you have any fear about relationships, settling, making a bad choice, being stuck in a place you despise - any one or all of those fears - you will have a very rough time watching this film. After a million tears we left the theater in a daze and walked over to grab dinner at my favorite place, Panera. We walk up to the counter to order our meal and can barely speak. We were so wiped out. So exhausted. Emotionally and physically. This movie was not only a depiction of what could happen if you aren't true to yourself, but also of a couple trying so desperately to figure life out in the context in which they were living.

I've lived those fights. I've seen that look of utter sadness. Hopelessness. I think we all have. That's why it was so gut-wrenching. We have all been there. We have all settled - made choices because they made sense. This, my dear friends, is my worst fear. Being somewhere I hate. Miserable with who I have become. Deceiving - and being deceived by - the person you love and trust most in the world.

We walked out and talked about what happened to them, and how to ensure that doesn't become of us. How to make sure you listen to not only the person you're with, by yourself. Staying true to that person. I'm not sure we solved the problem of unhappy couples around the world, but we did promise to always talk. About our feelings. Our fears. Our needs. I don't know that there's any better solution. But I do know that love drives this world, and we'll never be without it. And, I also know that because this tragedy happened to Kate and Leo doesn't mean it's slated for me.

Right now, though, I know I'm exhausted and want to go to bed. So, that's what I'm gonna do. I'm going to dream of wonderful things and true love. Or Leo naked. Whatever gets me through the night...(I'm totally kidding, by the way)

A place to belong

Okay, so I'm going to continue my posts of "personal searching" - looking for peace and answers through writing. I find that after getting it all down, I feel unbelievably better, and that I understand even more about myself, my feelings, and my fears.

I feel more and more like I'm searching for a place to belong. A place to call home. I feel that the longer this continues, the more likely I am to be locked up as certifiably insane for eternity. As this thought is not terribly attractive to me, I realize I have to make some decisions. I have to take my life into my own hands, stop talking about how horrible it makes me feel, and do something about it. The only problem is, I don't know what that "something" is.

I think it's important here to note how awesome "J" is about the whole thing. I have been practically living at his place for the past few weeks. He tells me to call this home, and treats me as though this is as much my place as it is his. But, the reality of the situation (and anyone who has "lived" with their significant other without really living with them knows) is that it's NOT my home. I am a guest, and consequently act as though I'm a guest. I respect this as his home. I respect him as both my boyfriend as well as someone who has opened his heart and home to me. He is - and has been - wonderful.

Now, I know everyone is wondering why we're not getting ready to move into a place of our own right now. After all, it was the subject of a past post where I was spewing "excited" and "giddy" onto the computer screen. Before anyone panics that things in "KP/"J" world aren't as blissful as I let on, we ARE planning on getting a place. It's just that there are timing issues - priorities - that prevent that from happening right now. These issues are - and should be - the focus of his time/energy right now.

So, knowing and understanding all of this, I'm still sitting here on his couch at 1:45 in the morning, feeling awful for being in his space. For becoming this burden. For putting him in the position of being in love and still wanting to be alone. To have his time. I've become the person he loves having around, but wishes he could really long to have me around. He wants to miss me.

I understand this in a way that's painfully clear. I understand that for both of us, it's better for me to not be here all the time. Despite that, it's so hard for me to want to be in an empty room with an air mattress. It just doesn't make any sense for me to bring my things for something that's so temporary. I hate that no answer seems clear.

I don't even know where I was going - or where I was hoping to go - with this post. All I know is that a man I love is sleeping in the next room as I type. I look forward to crawling in next to him shortly and (hopefully) getting some sleep in order to quiet down all these thoughts running through my head. Maybe I'll find some sort of solution tomorrow when my head's not so clouded with exhaustion. I look forward to that solution, and to someday soon feeling as though the place I go to sleep will not be filled with so much anxiety, guilt and frustration.

But until then, I'm going to close my eyes and enjoy sleeping next to the man who makes it so hard to be angry or frustrated about anything.

Moving On = Letting Go

We all have pasts. And those pasts are full of happiness, pain, anger, joy, sadness, regret, guilt. They made us who we are today. The good. The bad. We have all made choices that have guided us to the present moment. If you're anything like me, you are grateful for those decisions because you know the life you know now - the life you were meant to live - would be so different if you had done anything different. But, you also feel the effects of those choices. The guilt. The change. No choice - not even the right one - is made without consequence.

It's strange, the way I've been feeling lately. I returned to Boston after spending 2 wonderful weeks with friends and family. That, as I mentioned, is always hard for me. It's hard to come back to a world that's still uncertain. Still unsettled. To leave my comfortable chaos. But after a few weeks back into my "normal" schedule, I feel like that was a year ago, and am back to being okay so far away. I miss everyone immensely, of course. But, having been gone for so long, that feeling is a part of who I am. "Missing" is a emotion that runs through me regularly. I wouldn't feel like me without it.

"J" and I have gotten into a routine as much as we can. I have been staying here with him since we returned from our respective holiday celebrations. I come "home", we make dinner, and fall asleep together. It's nice having a routine with someone you love. It's comfort and excitement all at once. We both laugh when we realize we haven't known each other for years. "Our" life feels so natural. So right. So meant to be. It's crazy to think that just a year ago he wasn't even in the same zip code...

Despite the fact that life is seemingly perfect (with the exception, of course, of the whole lack of a home thing), I've been struggling a bit lately with emotions that seemingly came out of nowhere. These emotions actually "crippled" me earlier this week. All of a sudden I was feeling sad. And I couldn't understand why. I hate not being able to figure myself out, so I focused all my energy on trying to solve this personal emotional riddle. And, just like usual, the answer slapped me in the face while I was (of all places) in the bathroom. I was holding on. To the past. To the pain. To the guilt. It suddenly hit me that as "J" and I talk more seriously about, well, being serious, the more these feelings affect me.

I am in love with this man. Wholly. Without a doubt. I am not jumping ship on him or this fabulous relationship. But, no matter what I do today or plan on doing tomorrow, I have done things - and loved people - in my past. These people shaped who I am, and helped guide me to this place. To lying on "J"s couch at 2:00 am.

I realized I need to find my peace with those people. The decisions I made. And the way I handled them. I need to apologize for my wrongs, and for the hurt. Only now that I am where I need to be can I see the pain I caused. The lives I changed. I took faith, trust, love - and treated them as though they don't mean anything. When in reality, they mean everything. Everything I am and believe in is made up of these things.

What does all this mean? It means I need to say I'm sorry. To let go of the guilt that follows me. With every step I take. I need to look to the future without seeing the past. Let go. Of everything. Forgive the wrongs. And cherish the good for what it gave me.

Life is so good. I wouldn't give anything to be anywhere else. But moving on means letting go of the decisions we have made, and basking in the awesomeness that is the consequence of those very same choices.

Mars...Venus...Really?

This whole notion that men and women are so different...where did it start? Who was the first person to realize that the way we think is so totally opposite of each other?

So, since writing helps me regain my sanity, I'm going to vent here for a few moments. And, since I often discover things through my writing, I might even be able to solve this age-old problem...

Let me start on Sunday. I had to leave Michigan. This act is ALWAYS hard for me. Now, I have been away for years and have adjusted to having "distant" relationships. But, being back with my amazing friends and family, I fall right back into comfort mode. I immediately feel comfortable knowing they are right down the road should I need to escape. Should I need them. It's like no distance or time has passed at all. So, leaving that all over again - every time - is so tough.

This particular trip was especially tough for me as I have been "displaced" so many times over the past few months, that I felt as though I was coming back to living out of suitcases. I find myself constantly frustrated that this continues to be my existence - living like a nomad. It's no one's fault but my own, I realize. But still tough. I just need to settle soon. I just found it so hard to leave the one place I can still call "home"...

Last night "J" came back from his trip home for the holidays. It was so great to see him for the first time in weeks. The reunion was everything I had hoped it would be. Now, I enjoyed my time at home in Michigan so much - visiting with friends, re-kindling old friendships, spending time with my family. But I missed him on Christmas. And New Year's. I would have loved to ring in the New Year with him.

We stayed up late, and of course I had to get up early for work. My friend (who just saw her boyfriend for the first time in 9 months - he left yesterday morning) asked me if I was interested in having dinner with her tonight. As much as I have missed her and love having dinner with my friends, all I wanted to do was spend a little time with "J" alone since coming back to Boston. I have missed him. I am still a little sad after leaving everyone back home. I was so excited to get back into our groove together. Unfortunately, "J" was looking to get back into his groove with his friends. I understand this. I really do. I hate even being upset over this. To make matters worse, I developed a terrible infection that has left me feeling terrible, sad, vulnerable, and emotional. And I sit here in his bed alone - all those feelings swarming. Needing to sleep, but knowing I can't until all of this is off my chest.

Ultimately, I know that I'm a VERY lucky person. I am in a VERY good place, and a VERY good relationship. I just wish that sometimes there were smaller differences between men and women. That men understood it's simpler than they think to love us. Attention. A little affection. Cuddling when we are sick. We love our men and show it well. We like to feel the same.

I know we are wired differently, and they can't be blamed for the way they're built. But, neither can we. So, I wonder if we will ever get to the place where we "get" the opposite sex. Where we can anticipate the way they will react to our actions, and vice versa.

Really, I think that we'll always be like this. And that we, as women, will just always turn to each other to complain about being left alone when we want companionship. Not getting a kiss when we need it. Not enough communication. And, my guess is that they will continue to complain that we are too needy, too emotional, and hard to understand.

So, my dear friends, it seems I have indeed solved this age-old problem. We just need to accept these differences, get angry when they affect us, talk about them, but then let it go. Because at the end of the day, there's nothing better than falling asleep next to the person you love. Or waking up next to the person you can't imagine your life without.

Mars vs. Venus? I don't know. But if there's a magnetic field holding these two planets together, then sure, I can see it. Because there is definitely some sort of "force" at work when he's next to me...