Tackling loneliness

I never wanted to be the kind of person who complains about getting older. Or, even more so, I never wanted to be the person who talks about how things used to be. And yet, I find myself doing both more and more lately. It's not so much that I feel old (I don't think I do) or have some fond memories of years past (no different than the memories I'm making right now), but it does seem like things have changed a lot... and quite quickly. I could go on and on about the myriad ways the world is changing right now that have me a bit more panicky and crotchety than I'd like, but those aren't the issue. 

The hardest part about life right now is the isolation. Or, at least, isolation compared to what life used to be like. It's how different friendship looks at this stage of my life. That said, I don't think it's just me. I have read about the friendship recession and hear from friends - mostly via text - that they too are struggling with loneliness. I think it's a massive problem many of us are facing, and yet we think we're the only one. (Check out Claudia Canavan's Women's Health article about the friendship recession or Addie Page's raw and honest Medium post.) 

So, I've decided I'm going to try to make sense of this friendship-in-your-40s thing and journal about my experience along the way. Maybe, beyond me, it will help others figure some things out and feel a little less alone. Here's what I've committed to do over the next 12 months: 

• Connect with friends - past and present - to talk about friendship, including ours. I want to understand what they need from friends, what they're missing (or not), what makes a good friend and how they hope their friendships evolve in the future. (I have started the list already, and will be adding to it as I go.) 
• Ask the tough questions. There are some dear friends with whom I've lost touch, and I'm on a mission to understand why. I anticipate this will be a painful process, but one I have to go through in order to better understand myself as a friend, and hopefully get closure. 
• Say yes more. As an entrepreneur, wife and mother, I find that I often avoid going places or accepting invitations out of exhaustion or discomfort. I am going to accept - and send - more invitations for parties, coffees, walks and drinks.  

I'm scared to put this out there because if I fail it's a public failure. But, it's the first time I've felt compelled to pick up my digital pen in a long time, and I believe there's some real good that can come from trying. I know a lot of people are feeling isolated and not sure what to do or how to start digging out from that place. Maybe through my own work - and sharing it here - I can help us all forge a path forward that's a little less lonely. 

Here's to the journey ahead!

Liberals, It's Time to Look in the Mirror

Let me be clear: I consider myself a liberal. This is not an attack from the other side of the aisle; this is a plea from someone who cares about you. About this country. And who desperately wants to affect change.

Last week, I snuggled in to watch Bill Maher as I often do on Friday night. I like hearing from different people on a single topic, and admit it’s comforting to know people think like me. (I find it easy to feel isolated in Trump’s America.) When the show was over, I realized we on the Left are doing exactly what we are critical of the Right for doing. Not listening to facts. Ignoring rational arguments. What I saw horrified me, to be honest. Bill and his other guests ganged up on Piers Morgan who was trying to cite facts. Facts that the other panelists didn’t want to hear, so they talked loud and angry and told him to look at the chart. Which is exactly what he was doing.

Here was the argument (summarized). Bill and his other panelists began talking about the president’s tendency to lie, and cited his ongoing claim that crime is the highest it’s been in 45-47 years. Anyone who is reading this already knows that that is irrefutably and blatantly false. We have data -- collected the same as it has been for decades -- that show crime is, in fact, way down. But Donald Trump keeps beating that same drum, so there are probably a lot of people (I can’t bring myself to write millions…it just is so hard to believe) who do, in fact, believe crime is way up. Piers Morgan kept trying to insert the statistics about crime having risen sharply between 2014 and 2015, and that it was likely to do the same from 2015 to 2016 (data is not in yet for that time period).

Bill and his guests just kept yelling and telling him to look at the chart. Crime is down. It was a verbal attack similar to someone plugging their ears and saying “La La La” to drown out what the other person is saying. It was disgusting on so many levels.

First, it shows that we can be major assholes. The side that is fighting for the equal rights of women, immigrants, refugees, race, religion, sexuality. The side that aligns itself with education, knowledge and the ability to think critically.

Second, it plays right into what I am pretty confident Kellyanne Conway meant by her ridiculous claim of “alternative facts.” (To be clear, the term is absurd, as is the idea that we can make up facts that fit the narrative we want to tell.) If I had to bet, she was trying to point out that there are a lot of facts out there, and not all get equal stage time. Case in point. Yes, crime is down. Way down. But it also spiked. Recently. The latter is just as verifiable as the former, but is not something we’re talking about nearly as much (very likely because the president continues to harp on and repeat falsehoods).

Third, and what’s worst in my mind, it shows that we can’t go off script. We can’t take a legitimate argument from the other side (and Piers wasn’t even claiming to be on Trump’s side) and have a discussion about it. We can’t -- and won’t -- process it.

While conservatives might look at the world differently than us, it does not make them stupid. It does not make them unworthy of opinions. In fact, our country is as great as it is because we have people of different beliefs and points of view -- making decisions, driving change, helping us see alternate perspectives. When people with opposing ideas come together, many times a better idea is born as a result. But that does not -- and cannot -- happen if we all just scream at each other while plugging our ears. We must recognize that people who checked a box for someone different than you did has ideas, too. And, likely, many of them good.

What is at risk here is huge. Most Liberals (including myself) feel like they are suffering through a president they didn’t choose. That makes us feel unsafe. And like our way of life is being threatened. Our very freedom. If we want to save ourselves -- and the country -- from another four years of this, we need to be smart. We need to open our minds and ears. We need to stop name calling and start listening. Reading. Thinking. We need to stop opposing everything because it’s not progressive enough, and fight for what really needs fighting for -- our democracy. The more we shut down real facts for our real facts, the more we push those who believe his falsehoods away. The more we give them cause to get their news only from his Twitter handle.

The onus on us is tremendous. Almost too much so. We need to be calm, on point, knowledgeable, open, welcoming, strategic and smart. For four years. Slip ups -- no matter how small -- will give them more ammunition to show up at the polls in 2018 and 2020. One thing I think we all could do better: think critically. Look at situations before over-reacting. Ask yourself and those around you what you might be missing. Chances are, there are things you will miss because there is only so much one news story can give us.

The signs that we stand to lose our freedom are right in front of us. We need to care as much about our approach to saving that freedom as we do about saving it. What we stand to win is immense. But what we stand to lose is even bigger.

A Letter to a Trump Voter

Dear Fellow American,

Politically, there are likely few things you and I would agree on. I am -- at least I think I am -- what they call the “liberal elite.” For the past several years, I have sat comfortably in my urban home, watching as it increases in value, moved from one job to the next with ease and celebrated as we saw significant progression on “social” issues like the legalization of gay marriage -- and done all of that to the soundtrack of NPR. With Donald Trump’s election, I feel like my world has turned upside down.

Stay with me. I promise this is not going where you think it is.

Tonight, while waiting for my Sunday night programs to start, I turned on the Screen Actors’ Guild Awards. The actors for Stranger Things won for the “ensemble” category, and got up to give their acceptance speech. (Side note: If you have not watched the show, I highly recommend it -- it’s pretty freakin awesome. (We might be able to find something we can agree on after all!)). One of the actors appeared to go off script with some loud words about where we are as a country. No specific digs or names mentioned, but anyone with a pulse could figure out what he was talking about.

And, in that moment, it hit me. I finally got it.

You feel like your beliefs and ideologies are second-class citizens because every time you turn on the TV, watch a movie or pick up a paper the “other side’s” ideologies are in your face. (As I said earlier, there are likely few things we agree on politically, but this letter is not about that.) As the world -- America, more importantly -- grows increasingly more liberal, you feel like the things you believe are being threatened. And that makes you angry. And probably quite sad. And maybe even desperate.

I’m writing to you to say several things. First, I’m sorry. I know how it feels when what you feel so passionately is challenged or ignored. Or -- and I’m ashamed to write this -- belittled. I know I’m only one person from the other side and therefore can’t speak for everyone, but I feel like I speak for at least a few of us when I say we feel very strongly about certain things. (If you’re honest, you could probably say the same.) Which leads to us getting up on soapbox from time to time. And making broad generalizations about you, your world and your worldviews.

Second, I know there are things we have in common. If you are a parent, for example, I know you love your children with an intensity unmatched by anything else in this world. And that you would go to whatever lengths you thought necessary to protect them from harm. If you’re not a parent, I know you have had your heart broken, feelings hurt, felt joy and experienced pain. Guess what? So have I. I also need food to eat and water to drink. I get scared when I feel out of control and often wish I was more deserving of the life I was given.   

Third, I know you love this country. And I want you to know I do, too. More than I realized, actually. The freedom to speak, to vote, to question. To marry whomever I choose. Worship whichever God I choose (or reject). To be able to move freely, own a home and have children. I think there are things you love about this country that you fear are being threatened; I hope the reality is different.

I believe we can all live here together in peace. I believe people on my side can -- and should -- listen (really listen) to your fears. I also believe that you should be able to listen to ours. There are going to be things on which we disagree, sure. But by listening and hearing each other, I believe we can find some middle ground. Some middle ground that’s not extreme, but, rather, respectful.

I think we have found ourselves at an extreme. I think you needed to be heard, and someone was telling you -- finally -- that they were listening. I don’t blame you.

And, I hope you don’t hate me for this, but along with this apology comes a request. Our democracy isn’t always perfect and definitely needs some fine tuning. But it is far better than what most have. You will likely be getting things that make you happy with this administration, and, after eight years of feeling the opposite, I understand that you will want to celebrate those victories. And, even though we will likely disagree on what victory looks like, I understand where you will be coming from. That said, all I ask is that you remember why you love this country. Why we all love this country. And, if something challenges those freedoms or the bedrock of our democracy, please stand up. We are America. The good and the bad. All of us. We can make or break this country, and I believe that together, we are strong enough to make it. But we have to do it together.

I’m sorry for the role I have played in creating a separated America. I’d like to reach across the aisle, find the things we can agree on, talk through those we don’t, and decide -- together -- to keep America great.  

Sincerely,

A strong, passionate and humbled liberal

Why Donald Trump Will Make Me a Better Mother

As a female, I have always thought that parenting a girl would be so difficult. I mean, the emotional swings alone make it hard to imagine how my mother made it through my teenage years. I delivered my second boy three months ago, after being absolutely certain I was pregnant with a girl. (Obviously, not certain enough!) As I sit here tonight and watch coverage of Donald Trump’s first week in office, my two boys are fast asleep beside me. And, I can’t help but think…this man is going to make me a better mother.

Months ago when the whole “grab ‘em by the pussy” video emerged, I was horrified. Now, I have been around plenty of guys in my lifetime, so I know this way of talking is not unique to our new president. I have been cat-called, pushed up against a wall and a tongue shoved into my mouth, compared to the cheerleaders at a basketball game by a client (as he tried to picture what I would look like if I were wearing what they had on) and called “Michelle” by a guy who used to come into the restaurant I worked at because I “looked like his dead girlfriend.” And those are the incidences off the top of my head. So, I know a thing or two about how men talk in “locker rooms” or at fraternity houses. But this was different. It was coming out of the mouth of a man who was seeking the most powerful position in the world. Someone who, if elected, would represent me as an American. Someone who would be on television all the time, making it quite possible my sons would see and hear him. And, why the hell should they not? I mean, I shouldn’t have to worry about my sons seeing the president of his country. Should I?

But then I really started thinking. About my friends who are raising girls. And I thought how hard it is going to be to raise them around this kind of behavior. How to keep them strong. Assertive. Impervious to pressure. And then I realized something that shook me to my core. It is not THEIR responsibility to raise girls who can say no. It is MY responsibility to raise boys who don’t give them something to say no to. The weight of that responsibility crippled me at first. Honestly, it still does a bit now that the grabber is, in fact, our president.

But, mostly, it inspires me. There is something I can do to change the way women are treated. How they are thought of. How they are talked about.

Today I have two young boys who see -- every day -- a father who treats their mother with respect. Who shares every single household responsibility. Who is an equal partner. Whose work is not more important than mine. Who speaks to me with kindness. And they see men all around them in our “village” doing the same. But as they grow older, the observation will no longer be enough. We will have to talk openly and honestly with them about everything: sex, drugs, consent, appropriate language. We cannot hope they will learn it from others or that they will have picked it up from watching us. We need to hold them accountable for their actions and their words, and raise them with the ingrained belief that every single woman (every human, really) should be treated with respect and kindness.

I hate where we are as a country right now. The man that sits and sleeps in the white house makes me sick. The fact that he made it there makes me even sicker. But, without the light shone on the darkness of our culture, people like me would likely be stuck in our own worlds where we believe that sort of thing doesn’t, or won’t, happen. But, the truth is, it can. And will continue until people stand up and do something about it. So I’m raising my voice. And I’m raising my sons in a way that (I hope) they will never be like him.

Maybe -- just maybe -- something good will come out of this. I know I’m going to work my ass off to do my part to see to it.