Closure is a journey...not a destination

Has anyone ever wanted to hear something from someone - maybe someone they're in love with - so bad? Maybe it's that they love you, or you changed their life, or they really don't want you to go? Maybe you've even stayed somewhere longer than you think you should, just waiting to hear those words. Because you think if you stay they'll realize they should say it. Or feel it. Sometimes they never come, and we are forced to make our way into the future, finding our own peace and our own closure. And sometimes, just when you think you've crossed that divide between sadness/anger and peace, you're pulled back. And suddenly, just like that, nothing seems clear anymore. The memories come flooding back. All the ones you have put in the "do not touch for at least 5 years" section of your brain. The "try to forget" part. The "please not again, not now" folder. Yes, just like that, it seems so easy to file away or temporarily lose the "you hurt me so badly" files.

I heard those words tonight. The words I waited for so long to hear. That I deserved to hear. That I stayed up night after night wishing I would hear. The "please don't leave me" words. The "I love you" words. The "our story's not over" words. Please don't say our story's over. Please. What did I do, you ask? I sat there, completely stoic. Absolutely stunned. In disbelief. Why now? Why when I'm feeling so strong, so carefree, so at peace? With myself? With the relationship? With what was, what is, and what should be? Haven't I been through enough? Haven't I been tested enough? Have I not proven my strength? Have I not shown my character? What more do I have to do?

I have been telling myself for so long that I just wanted to hear those words. And I could move on, knowing that I made my mark. Knowing I meant something to someone. To him. I thought it was a right of passage - that closure is right behind that next door (God knows I've walked through enough other ones). But I'm learning that closure has nothing to do with the other person, and everything to do with you. There have been times in my life - very recently, as a matter of fact - that I have prayed for nothing more than closure. That knowing the answer to "why" would escalate me to a place of peace and freedom. But now it seems that those words - that answer - complicates things further. It takes me deeper into the past. Deeper into those feelings I have been pushing back in order to move forward. It brings down my walls and makes me feel vulnerable all over again. Those few words I have been waiting so long to hear. Those few simple words yield so much power.

I'm still not sure how I feel about this whole thing. I know I feel numb and pain all at the same time. I feel confusion and clarity. I feel tired. Exhausted. I feel like I've fought the battles, and given such a great fight. I waved the white flag, and am now being ambushed. And that's not fair in war. That's not how war is waged. But, I seem to have forgotten something in all of this. It's not war. It's love. And that's the difference.