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I'm a mess. I lie in bed tonight, jaded from too many emotional blows that have come too quick together. One after another. A friend told me today that maybe things are happening too quickly. I don't understand how that's possible when these things keep happening. Interesting people come into my world, and me being me, I want to know more. I want them to be a part of my journey; I want to learn what they have to teach. It's not like I sit on the street corner, asking random people to be a part of my world - but please, only stay for a little while, and please, please, leave me feeling helpless, confused, and slightly more jaded than the last person to be let in.

Therein lies the problem, you see. I open up. I am a walking emotional liability. I trip over my own heart sometimes. People have recently advised me to be more like a man - able to turn off my emotions like I'm turning off the lights. And, for a moment every time I'm left in my own emotional dust, I have entertained this thought. However, when it comes down to it, I'm me. That's all I know. And, that means I'm compassionate and loving - but very emotional and passionate, too. I wear my heart on my sleeve everywhere I go. The world is my playground, and I love running from the slide to the swings to the see-saw. I love that rush. I just hate when I get excited about jumping on the other end of the see-saw only to find out it's reserved for someone else. And, sometimes, like in this most recent case, it isn't reserved for anyone. It's just sitting empty until he learns how to share again.

Or, you could be so hurt after loving someone for so long, and so intensely, that you just want to take everything from them that you can - even if you know it's too late - that those words you're finally hearing can't make the difference. And yet you still fight the same battles. Both because you're scared to be alone and because you need to be validated. Isn't it so sad when we need someone else to validate the way we feel about ourselves? Even though we know it's wrong, we all do it at one time or another. I find myself desperately fighting that cycle. I'm losing that battle. And because of that, I lie here crying and wondering why someone can't sacrifice a night of basketball and NBA playoffs for me. It's a sad state.

I was going to remove my last post tonight, as it really doesn't apply anymore. I know what you're thinking - it took that one no time at all. I have to believe it's not me or I'll go crazy. I have to believe it's someone else's issues at play here. Anyways, just about the time I hit the delete button, I realized that's impossible. Sure, I can hit the delete button and that particular blog post would disappear from the massive Internet universe. But I can't hit delete on my life. That experience happened, and it happened the way it did for a reason. I don't know what the hell that is, but it's out there. And hitting delete doesn't work to make the confusion or frustration go away. It only aids the denial process. And I hate denial. Now, all I have to do is hit the play button, and brace myself for the next ride. I know lately I sure have been busy pressing both the fast forward and rewind. Neither of which are healthy. And for all of you TiVo junkies out there, I can't fast forward through commercials either. And, after this latest experience, I have a feeling there's gonna be a lot of them.