My mentor and good friend told me that I should write a series/sitcom where every episode starts out with the main character sitting on her blow-up mattress blogging about the things that happen in her life. Picture Sex in the City meets Mary Tyler Moore meets Dear John.
It's sad how very true it is. Me sitting in the dark punching away at the keys, surrounded by nothing but space, a sheet-covered window and an old mirror. I thought that I'd give that a try tonight as I sit, well, you've already got the picture...
My apologies that I'm about to take you back a week. Last weekend "J" told me he made an appointment to look at an apartment for rent a few blocks away in Southie. He said it was to "get in the mode of looking for a place". It was Monday and I had the day off. We slept in, threw some clothes on and drove up the hill to see our first potential apartment together. We walked in and fell in love IMMEDIATELY! HUGE kitchen. TWO decks. TWO floors. THREE bedrooms. TWO bathrooms!!! We told the owner a little bit about us and left with the rental agreement in hand. Then we drove to the grocery store. Standing in the produce aisle, "J" looks at me and says: "Let's just do it. Why the hell not. It's AMAZING. We both love it. It's just what we're looking for. Let's go for it." I look at him holding a package of red leaf lettuce and say: "Yeah, okay. Let's do it."
"J" calls and tells them we want it. The application process follows. References. Credit checks. We make an appointment to bring "Little J" today to give her approval. After all, we can't just make a big decision like that without getting her input.
I call my mom to tell her we found a place. With excitement in my voice, I tell her all about it. How AWESOME it is. "I'll have a closet," I tell her. "I can FINALLY get my things and put them in MY HOUSE. I'll have a home, mom." With little enthusiasm in her voice, she manages to say: "That's great." A few moments later, after a comment I make about the ex-husband, she says: "I think I'm going to go visit him in Philadelphia." Excuse me? I don't think I heard you correctly. The connection must be bad. I thought you just said you're going to visit my ex-husband. I don't think him OR his fiance would be comfortable with that. But, sure, call him and see what he thinks about it.
Funny thing - she hasn't mentioned this in 2 years, and the day I tell her my boyfriend and I are getting an apartment together, this is what she says. Issues, anyone???? I quickly realize that my mother's issues aren't with me and "J" moving in together at all, but with her own issues dealing with change. She has to get to know someone new. It will no longer just be us when she comes to visit. Someone else is important in my life. Someone else is my family. Loving me. Supporting me. Taking me away from her. As much as I sympathize and understand those feelings a parent experiences when faced with letting go, I have lost all patience for it. I believe a family is there to support, love, accept. Mine seems to be excited on their time and when it suits them. They don't like confronting their own demons - it's so much more fun to supress them. But, and maybe I'm crazy here, I think family should be more than talking about the weather.
Anyways, the week continues with little contact with my mom. I am working a lot and starting to get nervous to meet "J's" mom who was coming in this weekend.
So, heart pounding out of my chest, I met her yesterday for the first time. I was FREAKING out. The whole birthday situation left me scared to meet the woman who created and raised this AMAZING man I love. Hmm...maybe I shouldn't have been so tense. Haha! It went smooth - just as predicted. She is WONDERFUL. I can't even believe I was nervous. What an idiot!
Today we took mom and "Little J" to see the new apartment. We asked "Little J" to give us her opinion. As she walked down the stairs, she said to me and grandma: "My opinion is: WE SHOULD LIVE IN THIS HOUSE!" "J" and I smiled from ear to ear. We were so pleased to have her approval. It suddenly felt like home. We signed the lease, shared a family hug, then went to Burdicks in Cambridge for the best hot chocolate in the US to celebrate.
It's funny. "J" and I met on a random Thursday night. Our courtship has been fast, intense, and amazing. Just a few short months after meeting him, I felt this crazy feeling. It was something I had never felt before. I couldn't put my finger on it until this weekend. It's family. He feels like family. His daughter feels like family. I moved to Boston alone and confused 10 months ago. I now have a family here. A home (as of April 1st). It goes to show that family isn't always about blood. It's where home is. And my home is here. In Boston. In Southie. With "J", "Little J", 2 bathrooms, 3 bedrooms, a HUGE kitchen, and the INSANE amount of visitors who will inevitably be coming to stay.
I am now looking forward to cleaning bathrooms, doing laundry and fighting over the amount of junk left on the counters. Life is crazy. And SO GOOD!
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Monday, February 9, 2009
Hope...anyone?
I don't want to come across as unhappy, ungrateful or a pessimist for I am none of those things. I know I feel a lot of things, and since writing is my outlet, those often fleeting feelings are expressed the moment I feel them. So, please forgive me if this post is less than cheery - because I feel anything but at this moment.
I woke up this morning excited it was Monday. I actually like going to work. I LOVE the people I work with, and love my clients. Working gives me a sense of accomplishment and purpose I have yet to find in other avenues. I had a busy morning - making sure I got my car from Southie to JP as to not incur any more parking tickets. Then it was off to the office where I would have to get my week started and log my time - which is something I loathe more than anything else - EVER! The tedious task of going through my Outlook calendar and email to piece together how I spent every 25 minutes of my work week - UGH! But, as usual, I digress.
I walk into the office, happy to see my fellow co-workers and friends - and I get to work. I help one of them distribute a press release that had just crossed the wire. It was a good start to a good day. OH! And I made plans to have dinner with "Little J" and her mom this week while "J"'s in England. How awesome is that!?! I sat on the phone with her for an hour last night as she told me the story of her and "J"...and I thought to myself that no one could have ever made me believe I'd be having this conversation about the man I'm dating. It was surreal. I had to stop myself from asking the "we're-girlfriends-now-so-we-share-everything" question: "was it as good for you as it is for me"???? Haha...shit. Digressing...
So I run down to grab some lunch with my awesome friend. We get back and there's a calendar invite that starts in 15 minutes - a call with the GM. Uh-oh. This is NEVER good. We pile into the conference room. All of us but one. I know right away why she's not there. He starts by telling us what a great job we're all doing, but the state of the economy, blah, blah, blah...He finishes by dropping the bomb that each office will be losing one employee. We all sit silent. What can we say when one of our "family" members has just been told to pack her things and leave? What will it be like when I walk in tomorrow and she's not there? She was my friend. Everyday. For 10 hours a day she sat next to me. Now her desk is quiet. I wanted to do everything I could to save her from the pain of being "the one" to have to walk out alone. I know that feeling. I've been that one. I hated that for her. I wanted to be sick. We all sat there in silence. Disbelief. No one could talk as she packed her things. When she left, awkward laughter. My boss looked like a ghost. We all did. Truth is, no one knows when this will happen again. 3 months? 6 Months? Who will be next? Is it going to get any better? Is anyone safe anymore?
I came home, lit a candle and laid on the couch in the dark. Thinking about my friend who now has no healthcare or paycheck, while I prepare to get up for work again in the morning. The same feeling she had yesterday. I wish we could have all taken a paycut. Made some sacrifices to save her job. To keep her at the desk next to me. I'm sad - and I'm going to continue to be sad. I wanted to be comforted by people I love...to know there are still good things. Hear a familiar voice on the line. Talk about my fears. I know that there are 6 other people in that office who feel the exact same way I do, and understand these emotions. But no one wants to talk about them as they just invoke more fear, angst, sadness.
So, I sit here alone tonight, writing to try to vent my sadness and my fear. Not only for me, but for all of us. For my friend who needs to start over. For all my friends who have found themselves in this same position. I'm wondering when this will end and people will start smiling again. I miss people smiling. My once happy and sunny office has turned dismal and depressing - probably like a lot of offices around the country. But I do have hope because I can't imagine this lasting forever. We can't survive like this. We have to bounce back. We have to be happy again. We will be telling our children stories like those our grandparents told us - while we sat there listening in disbelief, unable to fathom a world without, well, everything.
I apologize if I don't sound happy tonight. My head hurts and my heart is heavy. I am going to miss my friend. And I am going to feel both guilty and grateful that I am still one of the lucky ones who gets to complain about getting up for work in the morning.
Speaking of which...I need to get some sleep...
I woke up this morning excited it was Monday. I actually like going to work. I LOVE the people I work with, and love my clients. Working gives me a sense of accomplishment and purpose I have yet to find in other avenues. I had a busy morning - making sure I got my car from Southie to JP as to not incur any more parking tickets. Then it was off to the office where I would have to get my week started and log my time - which is something I loathe more than anything else - EVER! The tedious task of going through my Outlook calendar and email to piece together how I spent every 25 minutes of my work week - UGH! But, as usual, I digress.
I walk into the office, happy to see my fellow co-workers and friends - and I get to work. I help one of them distribute a press release that had just crossed the wire. It was a good start to a good day. OH! And I made plans to have dinner with "Little J" and her mom this week while "J"'s in England. How awesome is that!?! I sat on the phone with her for an hour last night as she told me the story of her and "J"...and I thought to myself that no one could have ever made me believe I'd be having this conversation about the man I'm dating. It was surreal. I had to stop myself from asking the "we're-girlfriends-now-so-we-share-everything" question: "was it as good for you as it is for me"???? Haha...shit. Digressing...
So I run down to grab some lunch with my awesome friend. We get back and there's a calendar invite that starts in 15 minutes - a call with the GM. Uh-oh. This is NEVER good. We pile into the conference room. All of us but one. I know right away why she's not there. He starts by telling us what a great job we're all doing, but the state of the economy, blah, blah, blah...He finishes by dropping the bomb that each office will be losing one employee. We all sit silent. What can we say when one of our "family" members has just been told to pack her things and leave? What will it be like when I walk in tomorrow and she's not there? She was my friend. Everyday. For 10 hours a day she sat next to me. Now her desk is quiet. I wanted to do everything I could to save her from the pain of being "the one" to have to walk out alone. I know that feeling. I've been that one. I hated that for her. I wanted to be sick. We all sat there in silence. Disbelief. No one could talk as she packed her things. When she left, awkward laughter. My boss looked like a ghost. We all did. Truth is, no one knows when this will happen again. 3 months? 6 Months? Who will be next? Is it going to get any better? Is anyone safe anymore?
I came home, lit a candle and laid on the couch in the dark. Thinking about my friend who now has no healthcare or paycheck, while I prepare to get up for work again in the morning. The same feeling she had yesterday. I wish we could have all taken a paycut. Made some sacrifices to save her job. To keep her at the desk next to me. I'm sad - and I'm going to continue to be sad. I wanted to be comforted by people I love...to know there are still good things. Hear a familiar voice on the line. Talk about my fears. I know that there are 6 other people in that office who feel the exact same way I do, and understand these emotions. But no one wants to talk about them as they just invoke more fear, angst, sadness.
So, I sit here alone tonight, writing to try to vent my sadness and my fear. Not only for me, but for all of us. For my friend who needs to start over. For all my friends who have found themselves in this same position. I'm wondering when this will end and people will start smiling again. I miss people smiling. My once happy and sunny office has turned dismal and depressing - probably like a lot of offices around the country. But I do have hope because I can't imagine this lasting forever. We can't survive like this. We have to bounce back. We have to be happy again. We will be telling our children stories like those our grandparents told us - while we sat there listening in disbelief, unable to fathom a world without, well, everything.
I apologize if I don't sound happy tonight. My head hurts and my heart is heavy. I am going to miss my friend. And I am going to feel both guilty and grateful that I am still one of the lucky ones who gets to complain about getting up for work in the morning.
Speaking of which...I need to get some sleep...
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Never a Dull Moment
I'm going to set the scene for a story I think everyone will enjoy. I don't want to set expectations too high, but this post will be full of twists and turns - just when you think there has been enough drama for one year (but took place in one LONG day), something else will happen that you simply cannot believe. But rather than continue to build suspense, I'll just get into it already.
Opening scene: Tuesday morning: Scene opens with KP on the #11 bus on her way to work. Sound of cell phone vibrating. KP looks down at her phone. Ex-husband. She answers it and says hello. The conversation continues throughout the duration of the bus ride. They talk about the economy and the changes being made at her company. Several old friends have lost their jobs. And their houses. KP exits the bus and begins to walk towards her office, still on the phone. After about 35 minutes of conversation the conversation takes an abrupt turn.
Ex-husband: "Well, it's been good catching up with you. I hope all goes well with the job. Keep me posted. I'll talk to you later. By the way, I'm getting married. Okay, we'll talk about that later. Have a great day."
KP (a look of shock and surprise on her face): "I'm sorry. Did you say you're getting married!?! And you just throw that in there at the end? No - we're going to talk about this now. When did this happen? When are you getting married? What about the annulment?"
Ex-husband: "About a month ago. I wasn't ready to tell you. But I don't really want to talk about it now, so I guess we'll talk about it later. No worries on the annulment. I'm not gonna go through with it."
KP: "Well I'm happy for you. I'm really happy for you. Thank you for telling me at least."
KP continues on her way to work. She walks into the office. The first words out of her mouth are: "'M' is getting married." Her co-workers look up shock and in unison chime: "Oh my God. Are you okay?"
End scene.
The first 3 people I call do not answer. I need to make sure I document this. Get it out. Tell my friends. My mom. How do I feel about this? I don't even know. I feel weird. Numb. Am I happy for him? I have no reason to be angry or sad. My mom calls me back. I tell her. She falls silent. I begin to cry. Oh. So I AM going to react to this. Hah. I knew something would come out eventually.
The next few hours are a blur. I walk through the office somewhat like a zombie. I don't know how I'm supposed to react. I think this is normal, but this is totally new for me. Mostly I can't believe it. I can't believe after all those years I was the last to know. But I guess that's what happens when people split up, huh? I mean, he's not the first person I call anymore. So why would it be different for him, right?
A few hours later "J" pops up on my IM window and asks if I'm busy. As a side note, I told him almost immediately about "M"; he too asked me how I was. Okay, back to the IM. "I want to talk to you about something." Oh, geez, I think. The last time he used this phrase we ended up arguing about how bad I was to offend his family. Just as I'm reading this, my client calls me with an issue that needs to be dealt with immediately. I'm on the phone with him telling myself NOT to read the IM message from "J" that's flashing, calling my name at the bottom of the screen. I do it anyways.
"I was thinking that I know why I was having these crazy dreams. It's because I need some space. Not because I don't love you like crazy or because I don't want you around. I do. It's just this place is small and I need to just be here. I love you madly...and still want you to spend the night here with me. I just need a little time alone."
I read this and start shaking. Shaking. I hang up with my client. I stand up as calmly as I can and proceed to the bathroom. I unlock the door, walk into the first stall and collapse against the door. And begin sobbing. A flood. Can't breathe. Walls closing in. Want to run. Far away. Home. To the one home I know. My family. Friends. I need them. Now. Why does this hurt so much right now? Why did he say this now? Today. He must know how hard that was for me to hear. Does he not care about how I'm feeling? That I couldn't wait to run home to him but now felt like I wanted to be anywhere but there. The place where I was suffocating him?
I collect myself, splash some cold water on my face and return to my desk. I send an email to my friend with this conversation, begging her to read it and respond. I need you, I say to her without having to say the words. Just then another message from "J".
J: "Oh my God. My dad just called. My grandma died."
At this moment, I looked up to the sky and say, "really??"
Of course now everything he said previously is null and void and he wants me to come home to be with him. He needs me. Meanwhile I'm sad. Angry. Feeling like I don't belong anywhere. But I know I can't address this tonight because his grandma had just died. I need to be there for him. I need to suck up my feelings and be strong. For him.
I cried my entire walk home. Sobbed. I needed to feel my pain. Validate it. I walk in and give him a hug. Hold him. Tell him I'm so sorry. I hate his pain. And mine.
We ended up talking that night - that's the way "J" works. Nothing goes unsaid or unsolved. I love this about him, but loath it at the same time. I wanted to be alone in my feelings. Unselfish in the way I supported him. He explained his side and I cried. And told him he picked a shitty day to tell me that. He was selfish when he should have been supportive. I was angry because I just wanted support. To be understood. He realized he was wrong and should have "listened" to what I was telling him. Through my voice. My responses. My avoidance.
The night ended with us laying on the couch together - both in pain. But together. And in love. Knowing it sucks. But sucks less when you have someone willing to hold your hand through the pain. And suckiness. I fell asleep thinking to myself: just when I think my life is starting to "settle" into a routine, I'm suddenly reminded that nothing in KP's world will ever be boring.
My eyes puffy from crying, I fell asleep in the comfort knowing my life will always be, well, my life. Strangely, I found a lot of comfort in that.
Opening scene: Tuesday morning: Scene opens with KP on the #11 bus on her way to work. Sound of cell phone vibrating. KP looks down at her phone. Ex-husband. She answers it and says hello. The conversation continues throughout the duration of the bus ride. They talk about the economy and the changes being made at her company. Several old friends have lost their jobs. And their houses. KP exits the bus and begins to walk towards her office, still on the phone. After about 35 minutes of conversation the conversation takes an abrupt turn.
Ex-husband: "Well, it's been good catching up with you. I hope all goes well with the job. Keep me posted. I'll talk to you later. By the way, I'm getting married. Okay, we'll talk about that later. Have a great day."
KP (a look of shock and surprise on her face): "I'm sorry. Did you say you're getting married!?! And you just throw that in there at the end? No - we're going to talk about this now. When did this happen? When are you getting married? What about the annulment?"
Ex-husband: "About a month ago. I wasn't ready to tell you. But I don't really want to talk about it now, so I guess we'll talk about it later. No worries on the annulment. I'm not gonna go through with it."
KP: "Well I'm happy for you. I'm really happy for you. Thank you for telling me at least."
KP continues on her way to work. She walks into the office. The first words out of her mouth are: "'M' is getting married." Her co-workers look up shock and in unison chime: "Oh my God. Are you okay?"
End scene.
The first 3 people I call do not answer. I need to make sure I document this. Get it out. Tell my friends. My mom. How do I feel about this? I don't even know. I feel weird. Numb. Am I happy for him? I have no reason to be angry or sad. My mom calls me back. I tell her. She falls silent. I begin to cry. Oh. So I AM going to react to this. Hah. I knew something would come out eventually.
The next few hours are a blur. I walk through the office somewhat like a zombie. I don't know how I'm supposed to react. I think this is normal, but this is totally new for me. Mostly I can't believe it. I can't believe after all those years I was the last to know. But I guess that's what happens when people split up, huh? I mean, he's not the first person I call anymore. So why would it be different for him, right?
A few hours later "J" pops up on my IM window and asks if I'm busy. As a side note, I told him almost immediately about "M"; he too asked me how I was. Okay, back to the IM. "I want to talk to you about something." Oh, geez, I think. The last time he used this phrase we ended up arguing about how bad I was to offend his family. Just as I'm reading this, my client calls me with an issue that needs to be dealt with immediately. I'm on the phone with him telling myself NOT to read the IM message from "J" that's flashing, calling my name at the bottom of the screen. I do it anyways.
"I was thinking that I know why I was having these crazy dreams. It's because I need some space. Not because I don't love you like crazy or because I don't want you around. I do. It's just this place is small and I need to just be here. I love you madly...and still want you to spend the night here with me. I just need a little time alone."
I read this and start shaking. Shaking. I hang up with my client. I stand up as calmly as I can and proceed to the bathroom. I unlock the door, walk into the first stall and collapse against the door. And begin sobbing. A flood. Can't breathe. Walls closing in. Want to run. Far away. Home. To the one home I know. My family. Friends. I need them. Now. Why does this hurt so much right now? Why did he say this now? Today. He must know how hard that was for me to hear. Does he not care about how I'm feeling? That I couldn't wait to run home to him but now felt like I wanted to be anywhere but there. The place where I was suffocating him?
I collect myself, splash some cold water on my face and return to my desk. I send an email to my friend with this conversation, begging her to read it and respond. I need you, I say to her without having to say the words. Just then another message from "J".
J: "Oh my God. My dad just called. My grandma died."
At this moment, I looked up to the sky and say, "really??"
Of course now everything he said previously is null and void and he wants me to come home to be with him. He needs me. Meanwhile I'm sad. Angry. Feeling like I don't belong anywhere. But I know I can't address this tonight because his grandma had just died. I need to be there for him. I need to suck up my feelings and be strong. For him.
I cried my entire walk home. Sobbed. I needed to feel my pain. Validate it. I walk in and give him a hug. Hold him. Tell him I'm so sorry. I hate his pain. And mine.
We ended up talking that night - that's the way "J" works. Nothing goes unsaid or unsolved. I love this about him, but loath it at the same time. I wanted to be alone in my feelings. Unselfish in the way I supported him. He explained his side and I cried. And told him he picked a shitty day to tell me that. He was selfish when he should have been supportive. I was angry because I just wanted support. To be understood. He realized he was wrong and should have "listened" to what I was telling him. Through my voice. My responses. My avoidance.
The night ended with us laying on the couch together - both in pain. But together. And in love. Knowing it sucks. But sucks less when you have someone willing to hold your hand through the pain. And suckiness. I fell asleep thinking to myself: just when I think my life is starting to "settle" into a routine, I'm suddenly reminded that nothing in KP's world will ever be boring.
My eyes puffy from crying, I fell asleep in the comfort knowing my life will always be, well, my life. Strangely, I found a lot of comfort in that.
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