What I Do Have

It's not even 10:00 on a Thursday night and I am EXHAUSTED! I'm sitting here on "J's" couch with a re-run of The Office on mute (which, by the way, I thought was NEW) in a daze. I am tired after a week of long and stressful days at work. I am tired of the cold and snow that make it impossible to enjoy fresh air and the feel of sun on my face. And, most of all, I am tired of hearing about how bad the world is getting and how miserable everyone is.

It's so weird. People have been talking about a recession for a long time now, and we've heard rumblings of lay-offs in different cities across the country. All of a sudden, though, it seems to have hit home. And it seems to have come out of nowhere.

I feel like the past 2 weeks have been more stressful at work than I have ever experienced before. My boss is a walking zombie. He was the reason I took this job with this company - his compassion, his character, his attitude. But something has changed that. He still cares - but no longer has time or energy to show it. Everyone in my office has become painfully aware of this reality and has consequently stopped smiling. I used to love going to the office and now I dread it. It has become a constant reminder that the world we used to know is no longer.

This makes me angry. It makes me angry because I like that world. I like when people smile and have hope. I like when people talk about traveling and babies and marriage and new beginnings. I feel like all anyone is talking about right now is endings and misery. No one is talking about the good times - what's ahead, what was, and what is now.

I was texting with my best friend last night when I told her about something I heard about my own company. She immediately asked me how I was and told me she's praying for me and she loves me. During our conversation I was washing the dishes with the lights low, candles lit, and music playing. Afterwards I climbed into bed where I was joined a while later by "J", who kissed me softly and told me he's the luckiest man in the world (I think this is just a line to get, well, you know.) I rolled over, smiled, and fell asleep in his arms.

I walked to work this morning listening to Eminem. I saw people everywhere trying not to fall on the ice. I had a GREAT client call. I talked to my best friend who's planning on spending Valentine's Day with me in Boston. I emailed with an old friend I miss terribly. And made plans to see my old roomie tomorrow night at my favorite bar.

I realized that all this really sucks. And it's scary. And there will be moments I will be sad and angry. But, I have so much. I think we all do. I just think sometimes when we're all wrapped up in what we don't have, it's so hard to see - and be grateful for - the things we do. That's a tight rope to walk, as we often lose those things if we don't hold on tight enough. So, despite the fact that I'm a little sad, and really frustrated with the world right now, I can't let it kill my energy or my spirit. It has been trying, and there have been moments this week that I've given in to it just like the rest of the world - but life's just too good to complain about it.

So in a few minutes I'm going to crawl into bed and fall asleep to some soft music and wake up tomorrow to finish off this long week. And, I'm going to be grateful for the stress because it's better than unemployment stress! And then I'm going to enjoy a weekend of sleeping in, late breakfasts, good-looking British men (or, really, just one), SuperBowl parties and vegetarian chili. If my life stays like this, I don't see one reason to complain!