A place to belong

Okay, so I'm going to continue my posts of "personal searching" - looking for peace and answers through writing. I find that after getting it all down, I feel unbelievably better, and that I understand even more about myself, my feelings, and my fears.

I feel more and more like I'm searching for a place to belong. A place to call home. I feel that the longer this continues, the more likely I am to be locked up as certifiably insane for eternity. As this thought is not terribly attractive to me, I realize I have to make some decisions. I have to take my life into my own hands, stop talking about how horrible it makes me feel, and do something about it. The only problem is, I don't know what that "something" is.

I think it's important here to note how awesome "J" is about the whole thing. I have been practically living at his place for the past few weeks. He tells me to call this home, and treats me as though this is as much my place as it is his. But, the reality of the situation (and anyone who has "lived" with their significant other without really living with them knows) is that it's NOT my home. I am a guest, and consequently act as though I'm a guest. I respect this as his home. I respect him as both my boyfriend as well as someone who has opened his heart and home to me. He is - and has been - wonderful.

Now, I know everyone is wondering why we're not getting ready to move into a place of our own right now. After all, it was the subject of a past post where I was spewing "excited" and "giddy" onto the computer screen. Before anyone panics that things in "KP/"J" world aren't as blissful as I let on, we ARE planning on getting a place. It's just that there are timing issues - priorities - that prevent that from happening right now. These issues are - and should be - the focus of his time/energy right now.

So, knowing and understanding all of this, I'm still sitting here on his couch at 1:45 in the morning, feeling awful for being in his space. For becoming this burden. For putting him in the position of being in love and still wanting to be alone. To have his time. I've become the person he loves having around, but wishes he could really long to have me around. He wants to miss me.

I understand this in a way that's painfully clear. I understand that for both of us, it's better for me to not be here all the time. Despite that, it's so hard for me to want to be in an empty room with an air mattress. It just doesn't make any sense for me to bring my things for something that's so temporary. I hate that no answer seems clear.

I don't even know where I was going - or where I was hoping to go - with this post. All I know is that a man I love is sleeping in the next room as I type. I look forward to crawling in next to him shortly and (hopefully) getting some sleep in order to quiet down all these thoughts running through my head. Maybe I'll find some sort of solution tomorrow when my head's not so clouded with exhaustion. I look forward to that solution, and to someday soon feeling as though the place I go to sleep will not be filled with so much anxiety, guilt and frustration.

But until then, I'm going to close my eyes and enjoy sleeping next to the man who makes it so hard to be angry or frustrated about anything.