We all have pasts. And those pasts are full of happiness, pain, anger, joy, sadness, regret, guilt. They made us who we are today. The good. The bad. We have all made choices that have guided us to the present moment. If you're anything like me, you are grateful for those decisions because you know the life you know now - the life you were meant to live - would be so different if you had done anything different. But, you also feel the effects of those choices. The guilt. The change. No choice - not even the right one - is made without consequence.
It's strange, the way I've been feeling lately. I returned to Boston after spending 2 wonderful weeks with friends and family. That, as I mentioned, is always hard for me. It's hard to come back to a world that's still uncertain. Still unsettled. To leave my comfortable chaos. But after a few weeks back into my "normal" schedule, I feel like that was a year ago, and am back to being okay so far away. I miss everyone immensely, of course. But, having been gone for so long, that feeling is a part of who I am. "Missing" is a emotion that runs through me regularly. I wouldn't feel like me without it.
"J" and I have gotten into a routine as much as we can. I have been staying here with him since we returned from our respective holiday celebrations. I come "home", we make dinner, and fall asleep together. It's nice having a routine with someone you love. It's comfort and excitement all at once. We both laugh when we realize we haven't known each other for years. "Our" life feels so natural. So right. So meant to be. It's crazy to think that just a year ago he wasn't even in the same zip code...
Despite the fact that life is seemingly perfect (with the exception, of course, of the whole lack of a home thing), I've been struggling a bit lately with emotions that seemingly came out of nowhere. These emotions actually "crippled" me earlier this week. All of a sudden I was feeling sad. And I couldn't understand why. I hate not being able to figure myself out, so I focused all my energy on trying to solve this personal emotional riddle. And, just like usual, the answer slapped me in the face while I was (of all places) in the bathroom. I was holding on. To the past. To the pain. To the guilt. It suddenly hit me that as "J" and I talk more seriously about, well, being serious, the more these feelings affect me.
I am in love with this man. Wholly. Without a doubt. I am not jumping ship on him or this fabulous relationship. But, no matter what I do today or plan on doing tomorrow, I have done things - and loved people - in my past. These people shaped who I am, and helped guide me to this place. To lying on "J"s couch at 2:00 am.
I realized I need to find my peace with those people. The decisions I made. And the way I handled them. I need to apologize for my wrongs, and for the hurt. Only now that I am where I need to be can I see the pain I caused. The lives I changed. I took faith, trust, love - and treated them as though they don't mean anything. When in reality, they mean everything. Everything I am and believe in is made up of these things.
What does all this mean? It means I need to say I'm sorry. To let go of the guilt that follows me. With every step I take. I need to look to the future without seeing the past. Let go. Of everything. Forgive the wrongs. And cherish the good for what it gave me.
Life is so good. I wouldn't give anything to be anywhere else. But moving on means letting go of the decisions we have made, and basking in the awesomeness that is the consequence of those very same choices.
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