To My Sweet Boy

Today, my baby turns one. In a tradition I hope to keep going as he grows, I have written a letter to him to capture my feelings, love and hopes.

This year has been filled with ups and downs, but having this sweet little boy in my life has made it all worth it. I still cannot believe how lucky I am to be surrounded by the love of my two beautiful boys. On M’s first birthday, I am amazed I made it, sad it’s gone so quickly, happy he’s no longer an infant, and still taking it one day at a time – hell, sometimes one moment at a time.

To my sweet baby boy:

It’s hard to believe I’m sitting here looking back at a year already. It sounds so cliché to ask where the time has gone, and yet I can’t help but repeat that phrase over and over in my mind as I desperately search for a clearer understanding of how it seems like only yesterday you looked into my eyes for the first time. The past twelve months have been the greatest lesson in love that I have and will ever receive, as I have watched you grow and begin to develop into your own unique person.

I find myself constantly amazed by the joy with which you fill me. For the life of me I cannot believe it was me you chose to be your mom. I wish I could describe in words the honor that comes along with that title, but I’m afraid that even I, who is so often verbose and overly descriptive, would fail to capture that sentiment.

Who you are – even at this young age – is so beautiful. You have a laugh that is so contagious it stops me in my tracks wherever I am. And your daddy? He will do anything to hear it, including countless foreign accents and rhythmless dance moves. I love that he does this without thinking, and that you indulge him by responding with a big belly giggle. I love your curiosity. You want to know about everything, touch everything, explore everything and be a part of everything. From the dishwasher to the sink faucet to a roll of toilet paper, you look at everything with wonder and awe. Please never lose that. The world is full of wonderful things to explore and learn – you will never be done. I love your sense of adventure. That it doesn’t faze you to “fall back” on the bed or climb up the stairs. With every new thing you try and learn, you have a genuine excitement and pride that is beautiful to behold. I love your respect. For me. For daddy. You are an amazing listener. You are incredibly sweet. My favorite thing to do is pick you up from daycare. Sometimes if we’re lucky, daddy and I will come together to get you and we try to beat each other inside, knowing you will hug and snuggle with the first person through the door. I love your smile. Your beautiful eyes. I love the way you dance, bouncing and marching in place. I love the way you move your mouth to the sounds of the music. I love your excitement when you watch TheGiggleBellies, every time like it’s your first. I love that you wave to everyone you see in an attempt to get them to wave back (even on a plane when the woman sitting next to us clearly does not want to indulge you).

One night this past year I came across a blog post that brought me to tears. It was about love, respect and acceptance no matter who you are. As I read those words, it became clear to me that if I can do nothing else for you in this life, as long as I can instill in you a respect for others and yourself, I have done my job. Please never forget that every person deserves the same respect you do, and that everyone has the same right to live. Do not pass judgment on others because they are different – that is what makes us all special. Kindness will get you farther in life than money, fame or education. Please lead by example, and never give in to the pressure to be unkind.

Today is bittersweet for me. I am sad that the past twelve months have gone by so quickly, and scared the next one will go even quicker. And yet, I look forward to watching you grow into the person you are becoming, and experiencing your life with you. I love you so much more than you will ever know. Thank you for being. You have changed my life in ways I am just starting to realize.

Happy first birthday, my sweet baby boy.

The Mural on the Wall

I was putting M to bed tonight when I looked over at the wall mural behind his crib. Funny how something you see every day can suddenly have an effect on you. All of a sudden my mind took me back in time to the weekend J and I put that up on M's wall. At the time, we lovingly referred to him as Munchkin, having no idea he would be, well, a he. It took us two days to finish the project, at the end of which we stood back and looked with pride at the great work we had done together. The nursery was starting to come together, and it was starting to sink in that soon we would no longer be a family of two. Amazing how long "soon" felt in that moment, and looking back now, how fast it seems to have gone.

After ten months with M in our lives, my pregnancy seems to have lasted all of 5 minutes. Every now and again a memory pops into my head of life before him, but for the most part the routine of waking up, going to work, coming home, bed and bath time and finally crawling into bed completely and utterly exhausted prevents me from going down memory lane too often. Honestly I think it's the lack of brain power to devote to anything but the aforementioned activities that keeps me from daydreaming about the past.

It's amazing how one moment - one second - can break your life into before and after. J and I talk longingly about weekend mornings spent in bed, going out after work, watching an entire movie uninterrupted, making love when we felt like it and jumping in the car on a whim to head out of town for the day. I feel like I tell him I miss him more than I tell him I love him these days. And when he looks at me, it's like he's trying to find me.

For some reason I figured after ten months we'd have the hang of this new life. That we'd be old pros at this parenting thing and spend our days euphoric about our new family. I guess after 31 years of living our lives one way it takes a little longer than ten months to adjust to an entirely new existence. I am positive we'll get there. In the meantime (beyond being absolutely in love with that beautiful boy sleeping soundly upstairs), I will take what I can get in the little things like the mural, and be grateful for the small reminders of how this family began.

Is anonymity making us assholes?

I belong to an online moms’ group here in Boston, which I herald as one of the best things I’ve discovered since moving here. Moms ask questions about everything from baby sleep and feeding patterns to work issues and how to find a good couples’ therapist. Hands down it’s the best resource I could have possibly imagined as a first time mom. However, recently I became a bit disenchanted with a post from one of the other moms. While the details of the transaction do not matter for the purposes of this post, the gist is that she was unhappy with a local retailer and the way they handled a situation. So, like any scorned person with an internet connection nowadays, she took to the Web. She was angry—and she wanted other mothers to know it, and stand united against this big bad retailer. Except, this big bad retailer responded. Turns out, this retailer is a small husband and wife-owned resale shop in one of Boston’s neighboring suburbs. The couple pays their bills and raises their children on the profits they earn at the shop. They responded politely and with humility. As a PR professional, I think they handled themselves extremely well, and made sure to let them know publicly in a response to the whole group. But the whole experience got me thinking…are we losing our ability to treat people with respect because it’s so easy to hide behind the Internet? I would not hesitate to answer that question with a resounding YES.

Parenting is rolling with the punches (so throw out the expectations and learn how to duck)

We had a lovely weekend planned. J and I were going to take M and “Little J” to Portland for Disney on Ice and a fun stay in a hotel. This was an “experiential” Christmas gift we gave “Little J” since she receives far too many presents each year to really appreciate everything she has. And, what kid wouldn’t love a chance to see Disney on Ice!?! All of us were really looking forward to the opportunity to get away and enjoy some time as a family. We should have known better.

Parents are crazy (at least I admit it)

It amazes me that being a parent makes people so crazy. Men and women have been having - and raising - babies for thousands of years, and we continue to hold the rather insane view that despite that, we know what's best. I mean, sure, we are the ones that know our child(ren) the best. We have likely been there from the very first moment of conception, their arrival into this world, and are the ones who are at the center of their world. However, I refuse to be naive enough to believe that I am the only one who can care for my child. I for one truly appreciate that my son has the opportunity to spend some of his time at daycare where people discipline differently than me, are not able to give him constant attention, and likely hold different views on the world than me. I personally feel that exposing him to different people and opinions will make him a more well-rounded person.