A bittersweet ending...

I know I haven't posted in a long time, and for that I apologize. Life seems to get crazy sometimes and takes time away from the things we love to do - like writing. I promise TO TRY to be better in 2009.

So, I feel like since there's only one day left in 2008, it's only appropriate to reflect back on the year that has held so many changes for yours truly. No better place then to start at the beginning, right?
Hmm...I rang in 2008 in Knoxville with some of my very best friends in the whole world. If I remember correctly, there was drinking, dancing, laughing, games of dirty Jenga, and torn fishnet stockings. If I don't remember correctly, I'd like to keep my memories the way they are - because in them I had a blast!

Despite the wonderful company and fun I was (clearly) having, I was also in the midst of a lot of pain as the clock struck midnight. Only 2 days earlier, I found my dad slumped in the living room after (we later learned) having suffered a stroke; I was grieving the loss of a relationship that was doomed from the beginning, as no person or relationship has a fighting chance against an active addiction; and I had recently found myself living back home in a place that held more pain (at the time) then happy memories.

I remember hoping...praying...wishing...for a better 2008. I woke up in the new year so grateful for the people in my life - those who have stuck by me and loved me when it was seemingly impossible.

2008 was a great year! I discovered a new level of love and compassion I didn't know possible. Within me. Within my friends. I became acutely aware of the AMAZING people in my life, and how with every moment that passes, and every breath I take, I can NEVER take them for granted. I realized that "family" doesn't mean "blood". At some point this past year I lost count of the numerous times my friends surpassed human levels of acceptance and love - and realized I am forever indebted to each one of them for that.

I think if asked, most people would describe my 2008 with one word: "moving". I don't know if I could count the amount of times I have packed my things and moved them from one place to another. I feel like it has been forever since I opened a dresser drawer to get a pair of socks, or laid on my couch watching movies all day. I vaguely remember what that feeling is like - that feeling of security. Being settled. Home. I waited for so long for that feeling. I'm still waiting.

2008 also brought love. Great love. Amazing love. Of family. Of friends. It brought me to Boston, which is a place I am starting to call home. With a job I love. And friends. And "J". And a life. I'm building a life I LOVE.

I am excited to see what 2009 holds. I woke up this morning and said goodbye to one of my very best friends after a WONDERFUL night of laughing, talking, and catching up. My heart is always a little heavier when I say goodbye to her, knowing it will be another 6 months before we have this opportunity again. Knowing I would give anything to have this time with her every month. Knowing I feel that way about so many people - wishing we could be closer. That I wasn't always saying goodbye. But also feeling incredibly grateful that I have people I love so dearly. And who love me.

I spent the day reflecting on changes I need to make. Relationships that need healing. I am still searching for those answers, and think I will continue to search through the new year. But I am confident I will find them.

I am looking forward to the new friends I will meet. The home I will make. The places I will see. The love I will share. Looking back on all the changes - and even the pain - I am so grateful for every moment of 2008. All of those moments brought me to this moment. And I LOVE this moment. I love thinking about ringing in the new year again with my family in Knoxville, and making new memories.

For 2009: I hope I laugh everyday. Love without fear. Make new friends. Connect with old ones. I hope I can be a good friend. And daughter. And sister. I hope to finish my book.

I hope my friends and family find peace. Happiness. I hope all of you have something to smile about everyday. With no exceptions. I hope to love each one of you the way you have done me. Unconditionally. And without judgment.

I am a little sad to say goodbye to this year that I called "the year of KP" at this same time last year. But, I have a feeling 2009 will be even better. With all of you, I don't know how it couldn't be!

HAPPY NEW YEAR! May it bring everything you hope for...

All my love. Always.