The next step

Okay. So I return home after the "I have been thinking about suggesting we get a place together" comment and can barely sleep. Is he serious? Are we ready? Will he bring it up again? Is this the "right" time? What is the "right" time, anyways? Who makes that call? These questions plague my mind as I drift off for what will only be a few hours sleep.

I wake up the next morning excited, coaching myself over and over throughout the day that I can be the one to bring this up again. That I can be brave. That I can fight all my female insecurities that tell me to wait until he brings it up. I script the conversation perfectly in my head. Yes, I'm all set to make an appearance as the rarely seen (but often aspired to) assertive and confident KP.

He picks me up from work and takes me to my place to grab some clothes for today and then drives me home. I settle on the couch to read. He runs to the store for wine, and then starts making dinner. Salmon, risotto (he makes the BEST risotto), and vegetables. He's talking to me from the kitchen. About his day. About our upcoming trip to Philly. He starts telling me about his friend's documentary: "I want to see my friend's documentary I was telling you about. It looks so awesome." KP stares at "J" with blank a look on her face. "J" realizes he hasn't told me about this particular film yet. "You know, this wouldn't happen if we had more time together or if we lived in the same house."

Shortly after the SECOND mention of us becoming roomies, we sit down to dinner. There's romantic music playing in the background, candles lit, and wine has been poured. We sit and talk. And then he asks me: do I freak you out when I talk about these things. Like the future? Moving in together? Marriage?" I smile. I answer with a resounding NO! I mean, sure it's scary to be so vulnerable. But, something in my soul tells me this is right. We are right. I can't explain it or rationalize it. But it's SO GOOD! His face now is so close to mine I could feel his breath, see his dimples and myself in his dreamy blue eyes. He says: "so what do you think? do you want to live together?"

Yes. Yes, I do.

And with that we decide to start looking for a place after Christmas. Our place. Just the sound of that makes me smile in places so deep down inside. I will have a home. A HOME! I will unpack my make-up and my suitcases - and hang pictures. We will have a dining room table and a bed and dressers...and a bathroom to clean!

We spent the rest of the evening talking about the future. Our future. And smiling (we tend to do this a lot when we're together). It was magical. And scary. It's a new chapter. And new chapters are always a little bit scary.

Given this new level of vulnerability, I convince myself (with no particular evidence to support this next statement, of course) for a few short moments today that he regrets his decision and is kicking himself for ever suggesting it. I mean, who would seriously want to move in with me!?! I am obsessive-compulsive about my towels, take long showers and sing in my underwear. Constantly. Just then, my almost perfect boyfriend (yes, I have down-graded his status slightly so that I can better manage expectations...like when he leaves his socks on the floor or something...hehe) sends me the link to a house for rent in Brookline. Just then I realize that maybe - just maybe - there's someone out there who DOES want to take this next step with me. Imagine that...

And as scary as it might be for both of us, I'm so excited to wake up next to his smiling face everyday. And, yes, even his socks on the floor.