Love is like diving???

So yesterday was an interesting day. I was supposed to be driving to Michigan with my dog - a plan that got changed about 10 times Thursday night. Instead, I ended up sleeping in late with "J", writing a press release which contained no news value whatsoever, hiding in the bathroom crying, and ended with a trip out of state.

And the only thing I had planned was writing the release.

"J"s birthday was this past week. I LOVE birthdays. I love buying presents. Planning surprises. I should celebrate birthdays as a profession. I had been scheming for weeks, trying to ensure he had a memorable day. You see, "J" also loves birthdays, but is used to planning his own celebrations. He's not used to - or okay with - giving up the control. Several times along the way I was close to throwing my hands up and allowing him to plan everything himself. But, I kept plugging along. In the end, he enjoyed a wonderful birthday, and I earned his trust. I think it was a good compromise.

Somewhere along the way, while trying to plan what I thought would be the perfect gift, I offended his family. I had no idea. "J" comes over yesterday to talk about "something". I, of course, start freaking out because these conversations are not something I'm comfortable with. I was raised where you deal with things in a passive-aggressive manner - expecting someone to know what you are upset about through non-verbal clues and strange verbal jabs. This never works, so I'm not quite sure why so many people still employ this age-old technique. So "J" explains what happens, and I end up feeling terrible. Somewhere during this honest discussion, he also manages to offend me greatly. Given my personal sensitivity, this is not terribly hard to do, I admit.

Nonetheless, the afternoon was spent wondering how someone I love - and who says he loves me back - could not know the fundamental things that make me me. I was pretty devastated.

A later discussion finds that the whole thing was a huge misunderstanding, and that we're both incredibly happy and slightly scared with where this is going. Happy because it's amazing and "perfect"; scared because it's always hard to let yourself go completely. And we are. He is looking for my "voids" to fill and I'm loving him in a way he's never known. But we're learning. Together.

I needed a break and a chance to clear my head, so I headed up to Maine late last night. When I arrived I had a long chat with "K". During our talk, something became clear. I have found something amazing. Something that doesn't require me to give - or take - everything. I get to do both. I get to love "J" the way I know how, and he gets to love me back - in his way. There's no losing myself. Rather, it's finding a me I've been searching for. A happy, balanced KP.

It's like this: I am daytime diving. A LOT to see. FULL of excitement. A constant burst of energy. Loving BIG. "J" is like nighttime diving. Amazing and beautiful and focused intensely on what's right in front of him. He takes his time to study it, learn it, love it. Loving consistently and slowly.

Yeah, it seems like a "perfect" match. Without being too presumtuous, I'm gonna say that I think we are going to be very happy. For as long as we are lucky enough to have it, that is.