Erasing the past

I'm sure we all have moments in our lives that we wish we could take back. Those that are attached to feelings of regret, sadness and anger. And, although most of us say if given the chance we "wouldn't change a thing", no one really means that. The irony is that no matter how much we wish we could, none of us can erase the past.

I was working feverishly at my desk earlier this week when I got an email from my ex-husband. This isn't unusual, so I thought nothing of it. The message is cordial - says he has a favor to ask of me - could he call me at work? Without hesitation, I tell him to go ahead. A moment later, the phone rings.

Nothing is out of place. He begins by telling me a funny story about his mom. Then tells me his new girlfriend is going home with him to meet his family for Thanksgiving. I tell him about my plans to spend the weekend in Philadelphia with "J". We joke about how funny and weird it would be if the four of us had drinks together. Then he does the awkward, now what was I saying? What was I going to say? Oh, yeah. The favor. Yes, the favor. Could we please get to it?

So, I'm gonna go ahead with the whole annulment thing, and need you to agree.

Excuse me. I'm sorry. But, did you say 'annulment'!?!

Now, our divorce was final a year ago next month. A year. And now you want to talk about an annulment? I tell him that I will agree to do that for him - that he just needs to tell me what to do. Will I have to sign something? Fill out a form? He tells me in not so many words that it's his new girlfriend's idea. That she wants the annulment. Of our marriage. One word, three letters: Our. We hang up. And I begin crying at my desk.

At first, I was confused by this reaction. Why would I be so upset about this? The divorce was done a year ago. I moved out long before that. Why the tears? After some serious thinking and talking about this request, I realize that I am upset that he wants me to agree to erase our past. Erase me. After 12 years, he wants to sign some papers and erase everything. Like it never happened. Once it's done, in the eyes of the church, we will never have been married. Maybe I shouldn't be the one to judge since it was me who walked out on our vows. I reneged on that promise. And, if I could do that, shouldn't he have the right to try to erase the hurt?

I fundamentally disagree with this. I don't regret my decision - to get married or to leave. I am proud of who I have become through these decisions and experiences. "J" knows all about my past, and loves me more in spite - or because of - it. I have such a hard time thinking about a new person coming into my ex-husband's life - which I shared for so long, and asking him to erase me. I am even more furious that he is agreeing to it. Is he ashamed? Is it because he can't say no? Is it because he can't move on with any parts of me still remaining? The guilt I feel as I write these words is overwhelming. That's why I said yes. That's why I didn't fight. Because I know that I made a decision that altered the course of his life forever. And as hard as it is for me, and as much as I disagree with it, I feel like it's one small thing I can do to help him move on. To find closure.

There is no erasing the past. The memories remain - in my mind and in photographs. I was a different person back then, as was he. I am grateful for the things I learned through him. Maybe he's still hurting from the things he learned through me. Maybe this will help him forget the bad times. I guess a part of me is scared that he'll forget the good. Maybe I'm more scared that I've become someone who can simply be erased.

I wonder if that's how he felt when I walked away.