My very own fairytale

Warning: this post is going to be deep. Proceed with caution.

You see, I'm coming to a crossroad in a relationship that has been going around some curves (to say the least) and over some bumps for a long time. Most of you already know - whether because you've had to endure hours of tears and talks or because you have read previous posts and know I have been involved with someone who isn't really capable of true love - about this particular individual and relationship. We all hear a lot about tipping points. Many of you probably use that term in a conversation once a week. I've had friends tell me "you'll let go when you're ready - when you reach your tipping point." I think I'm there. No, correction. I KNOW I'm there. I realized it was time when the pain I was feeling outweighs the joy like 100 to 1. And yet, letting go just isn't easy. It's a struggle. At times seemingly impossible.

As always, I have been thinking a lot about this, and trying to understand it. You all know I can't just make such a huge life change without reflecting on what it means, why it's happening, what I've learned, etc. And so I think. And hopefully come to conclusions. I find peace in conclusions. In closure. Without closure, my brain freaks out. See: drummer. But I realized something last night that both scared and released me. Allow me to include an excerpt from a letter I wrote to "F," the boy under discussion:

"I'll take full responsibility for creating the "us" that's in my mind...I know the reality is this is nothing more than an over-simplified fairytale my heart has created to protect itself from being alone..."

Translation: I have been living and existing for a very long time in something that I created - that doesn't even really exist. I created what I wanted to see, what I thought could be, and held the relationship to those standards. I became a martyr, doing everything without expecting anything. And I hate martyrs. Everyday I wait for the changes I know are coming. Only to be disappointed all over again. Because those changes are never coming. How can they when they're only a fictitious piece of a fairytale that doesn't exist anywhere but inside my heart. My head doesn't even believe it anymore. But, my head never did believe that a woman could live with her gazillion children in a shoe, either. It knows better. So, when exactly did I make the decision that I would be able to create something from nothing? That, my dear readers, is something I don't think I'll ever have an answer to. I think there are always questions we'll never have answers to. Actually, I think that's what life is all about. Struggling, loving, living, breathing, existing, trying to find the answers. But stumbling upon other questions along the way...

Tonight my heart bleeds for all those who went before me, and all those who will go after. Those who have to walk away, into the unknown, in search of true happiness and true love. Comfort is often easier than not knowing. I have chosen comfort for far too long. Now it's time to take the plunge. Into true singledom. Into what will become Saturdays and Target trips alone. Waking up and going to sleep alone. Thinking only of my own happiness, and what I will do/did that day to achieve that. Kind of invigorating, huh?

Before I sign off, I need to say something. I love him. I always will. That's not something that will ever change. I wish him nothing but happiness and peace. I learned so much about myself through him. I saw generosity and patience in myself that amazed me; and weaknesses that infuriated me. I've seen the person I want to be. And for that, I am truly grateful. I will forever be grateful. I am letting go of the rest. The pain will slowly fade. And I will wake up each day a little easier, and sleep a little sounder each night. We meet people and fall in love with people for a reason. And with each one we leave a piece of ourselves behind. Or several pieces. Pieces we will never get back. Some people think that's a bad thing. I think it's amazing. Knowing I am made up of not just me, but all those people who have come and gone, and those who have stayed around to see how it all will end. I read a quote the other day that sums up my existence: "I left parts of myself everywhere... the way absent-minded people leave...Gloves and Umbrellas"

Thank you, "F", for taking a piece of me, and for leaving a piece of yourself. Not such a bad ending to our fairytale.