Who Am I?

Funny thing, I thought I knew. Or, at least I knew who I was prior to having a baby. I was married to the love of my life. Made hard - but brave - decisions that got me to this point. Was spontaneous. Independent. Had breasts I was proud of. Stayed up late, and slept in on the weekends. With my husband. I had friends who called. And that I called. Friends who were there at my darkest moments. And my best.

Reading this description of myself now makes me sad. Because I don't know where she went. Or if she's coming back. I hope she comes back.



I know being a mother changes you. I knew I was in for sleepless nights, body changes and a significant change in priorities. What I didn't know was that I wouldn't recognize anything about myself. In just 6 short months, I have found myself in a life that isn't mine. Or, rather, it wasn't. But, I guess it is now?

My job is different because I worked for a company that not only did not respect - but actually hated family values. Work was supposed to be your first priority. And, if you had time left over, you could dedicate it to your family. Hopefully you could make bedtime so you could at least see your baby's eyes open that day. As long as you were on email.

My marriage is different. We are exhausted. We snap at each other. We don't look at each other the same. Or, at least in my head we don't. Our life has become about to-do lists and action items. Maybe sex would be more likely if we added it to the list? We have moments - fleeting moments - when we are those two people who loved each other passionately, touched each other for no reason. This man is my life. My soul mate and best friend. I know I can't expect our relationship to be exactly the same as it was before we added another member to our family. But sometimes I miss it. The way it was. When we would stay up late together. And sleep in together. And go to Starbucks and talk to each other. I know it's still there. But that doesn't stop me from missing it.

Friends are different. And too busy. Kids and work and husbands. Changes in life mean changes in friendship. And distance. There is a lot of it between me and most people I care about. I made this move...so is it just the price I have to pay for creating that distance? My post partum fog makes it harder for me to remember to call anyone. Even remember there are people to call. I worry I will wake up one day and too much time will have passed, and this, too, will look very different.

There is joy with the changes. M's laugh. I swear I am moved to tears every time my kid laughs. Or, even better, when J makes him laugh. I can't believe I can love another human so much, and yet feel so exasperated with all the change he brings. Every day brings a new emotion. A roller coaster. It's good and bad. Mostly, it's just different.

I liked my life before I was a mother. Actually, I loved it. And, I love my life now. For significantly different reasons. I just hope I can learn to love it the same. Or, at least for some of the same reasons.