So, I have been getting it from several friends lately about my lack of posts to this blog. The truth is, I totally deserve it. I'm actually angry with myself because this is my way of documenting my thoughts and feelings about all the events in my life. My apologies to my friends and myself - I have been working far too much and not putting in nearly enough effort into the things that make me happy, like keeping this blog.
I have been sitting at home - in my new home - for hours staring at the screen, trying to come up with the right words for this post. I wanted to - err, feel like I should - tell the story about moving into my first home in more than a year with the man who has made my reasons for moving to Boston almost a year ago crystal clear. Instead, I find myself without the words - feelings - needed to tell that story. So, rather than writing what I have really been feeling 3 hours ago, I sat and tried to force something fake. Something I thought other people would want to read. Wow - EXACTLY the thing I promised myself I would never do. Since I have never claimed to be a quick learner (except on job interviews, of course :)), I am just now sitting on our bed writing this post about how I'm really feeling right now - and not what I think anyone will want to read. (Don't worry...the moving story is just on hold for another day)
So, how am I feeling right now? Hmm...frustrated. Angry. Sad. Exhausted. Lonely. I have had several people ask me already (why wouldn't they, after all?) what it's like to live with "J". I mean, of course it's only been 2 weeks, but inquiring minds and people who care want to know, right? Every time I get that question I have to laugh. My response? "I don't even know - he hasn't been home since we got here." This is a slight exxageration, of course, as there has been a few days he has been home. If I counted, I think I would come up with 4. Those days are wonderful, I tell them. And I'm sure as they happen that they will continue to be wonderful...
He's traveling again right now. There are still pictures to be hung and things to be put away. Despite the fact that I want nothing more than to have this place put together, I can't bring myself to do it. I just don't have the energy to do it alone. I'm too tired...too worn down from exhausting days at work. After 12 to 14 hours, hanging a picture alone just doesn't seem like fun. So I wait. I have him for a week - a whole week - starting on Thursday. I'm betting on those days being wonderful...
I haven't heard from him today. I don't know what his day was like - if it was good or bad. I don't know the drama he had to sort through yesterday. And I haven't been able to tell him about my awesome review that happened yesterday. I think that's what I miss the most while he's gone - those trivial little moments that connect you with the person you love. The only person who really cares to hear those every day, mundane details of your life...
I'm not at all angry with him. Or his schedule. Most of the time when I even feel a hint of sadness while he's gone I get angry with myself for sounding like a "female". I don't do this - I don't wait up for someone to call. I don't need someone to be there when I walk through the door. I moved to Boston alone, dammit. And when I got here, no one had any idea who KP was. The problem is, I have come to realize, is that now someone does. And I like it. So, all that talk is just coming from someone who was/is scared to be hurt and to be left alone...
My mom is angry with me. Sigh. She has a problem with irrational fears - if she calls once and doesn't receive an answer, she calls again. Immediately. A second time and no answer and my phone is blowing up. Alternating calls and text messages, elevating from the normal: "please call me" to the ALL CAPS: "KP!!!!!!!!!!!" The problem is, she tried calling the night "J" came home after a week being gone. I am going to save everyone the details here, but just say that it would have been highly inappropriate for me to answer the phone. Apparently, in my mother's book, that's not the correct way to act with her. You see, rather than it being her responsibility to learn to control her irrational thoughts, I have to cater to them. Because of that, I'm being punished with my calls and text messages going unanswered. Really!?! She's the one who's ALWAYS there when I'm lonely. I can't help but wish she wasn't acting this way right now...
That brings me back to my bed. It's far too late for me to be awake. But, I feel acutely better knowing these feelings no longer reside in my brain where they will keep me awake all night. I promise to tell the story of moving into this wonderful new house, and mine and "J's" amazing trip to meet my family/friends. But, despite the fact that I can't imagine life being any sweeter, I just don't feel that right now. And, as you all know, I don't edit what I write here - no matter how much I sometimes wish I could. I have started to enjoy and appreciate the beauty in the imperfections of every day life...
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