Hope...anyone?

I don't want to come across as unhappy, ungrateful or a pessimist for I am none of those things. I know I feel a lot of things, and since writing is my outlet, those often fleeting feelings are expressed the moment I feel them. So, please forgive me if this post is less than cheery - because I feel anything but at this moment.

I woke up this morning excited it was Monday. I actually like going to work. I LOVE the people I work with, and love my clients. Working gives me a sense of accomplishment and purpose I have yet to find in other avenues. I had a busy morning - making sure I got my car from Southie to JP as to not incur any more parking tickets. Then it was off to the office where I would have to get my week started and log my time - which is something I loathe more than anything else - EVER! The tedious task of going through my Outlook calendar and email to piece together how I spent every 25 minutes of my work week - UGH! But, as usual, I digress.

I walk into the office, happy to see my fellow co-workers and friends - and I get to work. I help one of them distribute a press release that had just crossed the wire. It was a good start to a good day. OH! And I made plans to have dinner with "Little J" and her mom this week while "J"'s in England. How awesome is that!?! I sat on the phone with her for an hour last night as she told me the story of her and "J"...and I thought to myself that no one could have ever made me believe I'd be having this conversation about the man I'm dating. It was surreal. I had to stop myself from asking the "we're-girlfriends-now-so-we-share-everything" question: "was it as good for you as it is for me"???? Haha...shit. Digressing...

So I run down to grab some lunch with my awesome friend. We get back and there's a calendar invite that starts in 15 minutes - a call with the GM. Uh-oh. This is NEVER good. We pile into the conference room. All of us but one. I know right away why she's not there. He starts by telling us what a great job we're all doing, but the state of the economy, blah, blah, blah...He finishes by dropping the bomb that each office will be losing one employee. We all sit silent. What can we say when one of our "family" members has just been told to pack her things and leave? What will it be like when I walk in tomorrow and she's not there? She was my friend. Everyday. For 10 hours a day she sat next to me. Now her desk is quiet. I wanted to do everything I could to save her from the pain of being "the one" to have to walk out alone. I know that feeling. I've been that one. I hated that for her. I wanted to be sick. We all sat there in silence. Disbelief. No one could talk as she packed her things. When she left, awkward laughter. My boss looked like a ghost. We all did. Truth is, no one knows when this will happen again. 3 months? 6 Months? Who will be next? Is it going to get any better? Is anyone safe anymore?

I came home, lit a candle and laid on the couch in the dark. Thinking about my friend who now has no healthcare or paycheck, while I prepare to get up for work again in the morning. The same feeling she had yesterday. I wish we could have all taken a paycut. Made some sacrifices to save her job. To keep her at the desk next to me. I'm sad - and I'm going to continue to be sad. I wanted to be comforted by people I love...to know there are still good things. Hear a familiar voice on the line. Talk about my fears. I know that there are 6 other people in that office who feel the exact same way I do, and understand these emotions. But no one wants to talk about them as they just invoke more fear, angst, sadness.

So, I sit here alone tonight, writing to try to vent my sadness and my fear. Not only for me, but for all of us. For my friend who needs to start over. For all my friends who have found themselves in this same position. I'm wondering when this will end and people will start smiling again. I miss people smiling. My once happy and sunny office has turned dismal and depressing - probably like a lot of offices around the country. But I do have hope because I can't imagine this lasting forever. We can't survive like this. We have to bounce back. We have to be happy again. We will be telling our children stories like those our grandparents told us - while we sat there listening in disbelief, unable to fathom a world without, well, everything.

I apologize if I don't sound happy tonight. My head hurts and my heart is heavy. I am going to miss my friend. And I am going to feel both guilty and grateful that I am still one of the lucky ones who gets to complain about getting up for work in the morning.

Speaking of which...I need to get some sleep...