I know, I know, I know. A blog is supposed to be updated. Geez. I have gotten it from so many people lately. "So, now that you've got a new boy in your life, and he's read your blog, does that mean you're not going to post anymore????" Let me answer with an emphatic: NO! I just have been so wrapped up in said boy - and work - that I simply haven't had time. But, when I find I do have a few minutes to sit down and write, I am simply too exhausted to write and make any sense. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. For the very few people who actually care! :)
Okay, there's so much to catch up on. And, even though I know a blog is supposed to happen "real-time", I have a few older posts that I have written down and will post this week. That way you can all feel as though you are up to speed on everything that's taken place over the past few weeks. Until then, I'm going to post like I have been all along.
I have been working like an insane person. I think there was one day this week I got to work at 6:30 a.m. and didn't leave until 7:00 p.m. It is just so busy around the office. I'm not complaining - but it has left me incredibly exhausted. Which, would beg the question why I'm up writing right now and not laying in my bed sleeping...
Anyways, back to the story at hand. I come home on Friday night totally exhausted, barely able to think. I'm in a great mood, though, as it's Friday and my weekend has officially begun. I am excited to spend some quality time with my new boy who started his insane travel schedule this week (post to come). I stop by his place on my way home to drop off the movies I rented for a quiet evening in. He's in a strange mood that I haven't experienced before. Just kind of "blah". I leave the movies and head home to change and take the puppy out. After that's all taken care of, and I chatted with roomie about her day, I head back.
I walk in, and he's waiting by the door, and greets me with a kiss. His kisses are always so nice. He pulls me close and tells me he knows why he's been feeling the way he has been. It's because he freaked out. That we're moving too fast. And we need to slow down. Give each other a little more space. "Okay," I say. Just like that. "Okay."
Now, I have to say here that I don't disagree with him on this. I like "me" time. I like to be with my friends and family and not have to worry that it's going to piss someone off. I'm totally independent, and don't see this being a character trait that ever changes. On the other hand, another character trait of mine is to always take everything very personally. So, this conversation, when put through the "KP filter" sounds like: "You have been moving too fast. And it's scaring me. You are going to need to pull back." See the difference there? And how this form of insanely unhealthy communication could cause problems in any relationship?
I immediately do what I do best in these situations - recoil and internalize everything. Every feeling. Every emotion. Every thought. I get angry with myself, and begin to go through every conversation, trying to find where I misread things. Funny thing is...I can't seem to find where I had. So, I internalize some more. It's a vicious cycle.
A few somewhat uncomfortable hours later, "J" asks me if I'm okay. At this point, I can no longer internalize what I'm feeling, because he's actually calling my bluff. He wants to talk about it. He wants to know what I'm feeling. He has seen an immediate change in me, and wants to understand it. I start talking. I tell him that I don't feel I've misread things, and that I was just keeping up with the pace. He says he understands, and apologizes if he wasn't clear earlier. The only thing he was trying to get across is that he loves where we're at, and where we're headed (wherever that may be). But he doesn't want to lose "him" while we're doing "us". So he has to make sure he pays attention to that. I laugh. "Um, duh. If you think I'm going to let any guy take 'me' away from 'me', you've got another thing coming, dude. I love my friends - and spending time with them. That's something that's never going to change."
The conversation (although wicked uncomfortable) was great. I have never had such an open and honest conversation about the way I'm feeling about a relationship. I've never had anyone who wanted to know exactly how I was feeling about something, either. Or, who told me how he was feeling. It was exhilarating. I realized that he is just as excited as I am to see where this goes. And is willing to step outside his comfort zone to make sure we give it the best chance possible to become something more. After a year of trying to internalize the way I felt about everything, I'm stepping into a whole new, and somewhat terrifying territory here.
Scared shitless, I'm also so excited. Openness. Honesty. Communication. What concepts!!!
After this deep and exhausting conversation, we turned on some Led Zeppelin and eventually went to sleep. Open communication. A cute British boy. Led Zeppelin. I'd say that's a pretty awesome end to a very long week.
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