Just add water

I have "adopted" an instant family. Or, better yet, have become part of one. Without even knowing it - just woke up one morning and voila! There I was in the middle of it.

When I started dating "J", I knew he had a daughter. He told me the night of our first date. Shortly after that night, I met "Little J" and fell in love immediately. I knew he had a daughter. I saw the pink coat. The princess room. The tiny shoes by the door. The pictures that covered the walls. I mean, I got it. "J" + "N" = "Little J". Biology, right? If only it were that simple...

With it being school vacation, we had "Little J" for an extended weekend. Thursday night - family dinner and some catching up with my mom and best friend (sidebar - SO GOOD!). Friday night - first softball game. Saturday - a WONDERFUL afternoon spent in Rockport, Mass climbing rocks and picnicking. Sunday - Barbies and "Little J's" first soccer game of the season. Just a typical weekend with the family...

So, despite the fact that I know "J" has a daughter, it hit me this weekend. "J" has a daughter. She's not just some kid who stays at our house every other weekend. It's not just playing house. This is real.

I couldn't love that kid any more than I do. She's amazing. And brilliant. And loving. But she's his. And not mine. She'll always be his. More importantly, she'll always be his first. At the beginning that wasn't such a hard realization. We were at the start of something wonderful, but had no idea where it would lead. "Future" was a word we used lightly. Now "J" laughs as he talks about what our future will look like. Together. And I (admittedly selfishly) realize that someone else shared that "first" with him...

I hate myself for even thinking this way. I know it's probably a normal reaction - but I hate "normal reactions". And I hate even more that "J" always has to be working to protect the people he loves...

For now, my life will consist of watching "J" be the dad he loves to be. It will be weekend soccer games and occasional Sunday morning Mickey Mouse pancakes. It will be falling deeper in love with this little girl that fate brought into my life.

Yes, for now, my life consists of my "just add water and stir" family. But after the AMAZING weekend we just had, I think I'm pretty lucky to have my "instant" family. Even if it is different than what I had imagined...

Wait!! My WHOLE LIFE is different than I imagined...and that's a pretty GREAT thing...

Sigh.

Meet "J"

I'm scared as I sit here in my bed writing this post. I've never been so scared to post anything here. It's ironic, huh? Of all the things I've said here, shared here - this is what scares me. The reason what I'm about to write scares me is because there's always a chance in life something won't work out. Won't be happily every after. If that happens - if I wake up one morning to find myself alone and heartbroken, I'll always have this post. These words. These emotions. This reminder. That's a chance I take every time I write. That these words will live on forever and inevitably so, too, will the emotions. But, since I'm too honest - and too much of an optimist - I'm going to take that chance. I'm going to share these words - these feelings - despite the risk.

I realized the other day that most people who read this blog know me well. My thoughts, fears, weaknesses and strengths. You know my laugh and my tears. But, despite the numerous posts that revolve around him, most don't really know "J". And, since he's so quickly become such an important part of my existence, I thought it only made sense to properly introduce him.

The first time I met him, it was his passion. His laugh. His smile. His blue eyes. He listened to me. Wanted to know me. Really know me. As I got to know him, I quickly saw how much he loves his family. With everything he has. Despite the pain and imperfection. They are part of him, and that's all he needs to know. Seeing them altogether is like nothing I've ever seen before. The love. The respect. It's something I long to achieve with my own family - both living and yet to be born. The first time I met "Little J", I saw a deep love I'd only known from my own parents. She feels safe with him. He is so proud of her. It's a mutual respect so precious. He trusted me from the very first moment we met with the most precious thing he will ever know. Maybe he saw the way I fell in love with her within 5 minutes. Maybe he didn't know what else to do.

He still listens to me. He can read my mind and know what I'm thinking before I say it. He loves my family. Despite the pain and imperfection. He has helped me see things in them I forgot existed. Goodness and strength and love that were hidden by pain. If for nothing else, I am grateful for that. He wants to protect me from pain and will go to whatever lengths it takes to prevent me from feeling any of it. I swear if he could he would take it all for me.

He makes me laugh. He tells terrible jokes. At inappropriate times. And I crack up. He makes himself crack up. Which makes me laugh that much harder. He still surprises himself every time he realizes he's funny. He recently started to snort when he laughs. My boyfriend snorts. Sigh. He's not afraid to sing out loud. He even likes when I sing (to clarify, quietly to myself). He makes me face my fears. I both hate him and love him for that.

He makes me dinner. With music and candlelight. He lets me steal the covers and bury my bum into his body. Without complaining.

He loves my friends. He's interested in their stories. Their kids. Their dates. Their beliefs. He wants to know them. And me through them. He wants to spend time with them and never complains about the countless stories of "yesterday" we tell. He doesn't know the names, places, emotions - but knows it is important to me. So he humors me. And I love him for that.

He's my very best friend. He calms me when I am out of control. And makes me smile when I'm sad. And holds me when I'm feeling hopeless. Or just for no reason at all.

Right now I'm sitting in our bed as he's watching sports downstairs. You can't pull him away from his sports - no matter what the emergency. I even love that.

I'm going to drift off to sleep now. I feel better knowing the people I care most about will have at least a snapshot of this man that has changed my life forever. Who knew that less than a year ago he was just waiting for me to move in across the street?? I like to think that even if we did, neither of us would have done anything different.

Building a future on the past

We moved into the new place on Tuesday, March 31st. By Friday we had guests. "J's" dad was on the same continent for work so he wanted to "swing" by and see the new place. We also had "Little J" for the first time in the new house. We spent Thursday night organizing her room so it was perfect when she got there. I only wish I could have seen her face when she saw it for the first time.

"J" had to leave for work on Saturday, so I agreed to stay with "Little J" and host her mom and baby sister for a few hours. I know it might sound weird to people outside the situation, but I like "N". She's a great mom and a good person. But, I think I also like her because she's never posed any threat to me. There is no history. No relationship. Nothing for the imagination except one night - and even when I TRY, I can't get that to bother me.

However, something about this particular visit just didn't sit right...

I ordered a pizza as soon as she got there, knowing I couldn't spend the entire afternoon visiting because I had a limited amount of time to spend on unpacking the seemingly endless number of boxes we had between the 2 of us. Bathrooms needed to be cleaned. Laundry done. Pictures hung. I sat on the couch in a puddle of my own anxiety as she spoke at me, wishing I could be alone in this mess so I could get lost in it. I wanted to be alone in MY new house to enjoy the things I hadn't seen in years. MY things.

The conversation was strange, to say the least. We talked about "Little J". We talked about "J". We talked about our first marriages. Photo albums. Letting go. Then we started talking about "J's" ex-girlfriend. This particular ex-girlfriend, "L" decided to end the relationship after 4 years because they wanted different things. He wanted a family. She didn't. "Little J" is still in pain, wondering what happened. Wondering why "L" suddenly disappeared. She brings this up with her mom, but is scared to bring it up with "J", worried she'll make him mad, or me upset. That is an insane burden for a 5-year old to bear, isn't it?

"N" continues by telling me that she recently told "J" when "L" left him, she didn't leave him because she fell out of love with him, but because she knew it wasn't fair to continue in the same direction when they both needed to ultimately go separate ways. I listened. I engaged in the conversation. I felt...out of control. Alone. Like a stranger.

I was sitting on OUR couch in OUR house, and this woman was telling ME about my boyfriend's past. About a time I didn't exist. I'm new. "L" is old. She experienced things I will never know. "Little J's" birth. Her first words. Seeing "J's" face as she took her first steps. And, she's still in love with him. I felt like an intruder. In his past. In his life. In "Little J's" life. I felt the painful pull of "L's" longing for it to be different. I felt the pain she must have experienced when she read about me. The look in her eyes as she saw the man she used to call hers. That I now call mine. How must he have felt when he heard "N" say those words: she's still in love with you?

After several hours, "N" left and I got busy cleaning. I didn't think much about the conversation that took place here. I knew I felt weird. For a moment I looked around and didn't recognize anything around me. They were someone else's memories. Someone else's life. Mine is in boxes. My memories are scattered along the many miles I've traveled over the past 2 years. And lining the walls of places from which I have run.

"J" called me that night to talk about what happened after we exchanged several text messages. He got angry. I cried. I didn't even know I was upset. The tears just started to fall. I wanted to stop talking about the past. Talking about a time I didn't exist here. He wants to protect me. From his past. From the pain. From the baggage he brings. The thing is, I bring baggage, too. Mine is just hidden. And silent. Mine doesn't come into his house and tell him about my life before him. I love him for caring so much about me to want to save me. And, just as the realization is setting in that this "baggage" is here to stay, I no longer seem to care. All that matters is what we have - and what we're building. Just because I'm not a part of his yesterday, doesn't mean I won't be a part of his tomorrow. (I like to think a very important part, at that).

My next challenge is setting my own boundaries and keeping to them. I need to be aware of my feelings, and give them a voice. I need to tell "N" when I'm not comfortable with where a conversation is headed. "J" wants to protect me so it will never come to this. But I love "Little J" and him too much to shy away. Loving "J" means embracing this situation. ALL of it. And, if that means faking "comfortable" in the midst of conversations about the past, then so be it. After all, it's MY future that's among these walls that have been built on the past.

Just another post...

So, I have been getting it from several friends lately about my lack of posts to this blog. The truth is, I totally deserve it. I'm actually angry with myself because this is my way of documenting my thoughts and feelings about all the events in my life. My apologies to my friends and myself - I have been working far too much and not putting in nearly enough effort into the things that make me happy, like keeping this blog.

I have been sitting at home - in my new home - for hours staring at the screen, trying to come up with the right words for this post. I wanted to - err, feel like I should - tell the story about moving into my first home in more than a year with the man who has made my reasons for moving to Boston almost a year ago crystal clear. Instead, I find myself without the words - feelings - needed to tell that story. So, rather than writing what I have really been feeling 3 hours ago, I sat and tried to force something fake. Something I thought other people would want to read. Wow - EXACTLY the thing I promised myself I would never do. Since I have never claimed to be a quick learner (except on job interviews, of course :)), I am just now sitting on our bed writing this post about how I'm really feeling right now - and not what I think anyone will want to read. (Don't worry...the moving story is just on hold for another day)

So, how am I feeling right now? Hmm...frustrated. Angry. Sad. Exhausted. Lonely. I have had several people ask me already (why wouldn't they, after all?) what it's like to live with "J". I mean, of course it's only been 2 weeks, but inquiring minds and people who care want to know, right? Every time I get that question I have to laugh. My response? "I don't even know - he hasn't been home since we got here." This is a slight exxageration, of course, as there has been a few days he has been home. If I counted, I think I would come up with 4. Those days are wonderful, I tell them. And I'm sure as they happen that they will continue to be wonderful...

He's traveling again right now. There are still pictures to be hung and things to be put away. Despite the fact that I want nothing more than to have this place put together, I can't bring myself to do it. I just don't have the energy to do it alone. I'm too tired...too worn down from exhausting days at work. After 12 to 14 hours, hanging a picture alone just doesn't seem like fun. So I wait. I have him for a week - a whole week - starting on Thursday. I'm betting on those days being wonderful...

I haven't heard from him today. I don't know what his day was like - if it was good or bad. I don't know the drama he had to sort through yesterday. And I haven't been able to tell him about my awesome review that happened yesterday. I think that's what I miss the most while he's gone - those trivial little moments that connect you with the person you love. The only person who really cares to hear those every day, mundane details of your life...

I'm not at all angry with him. Or his schedule. Most of the time when I even feel a hint of sadness while he's gone I get angry with myself for sounding like a "female". I don't do this - I don't wait up for someone to call. I don't need someone to be there when I walk through the door. I moved to Boston alone, dammit. And when I got here, no one had any idea who KP was. The problem is, I have come to realize, is that now someone does. And I like it. So, all that talk is just coming from someone who was/is scared to be hurt and to be left alone...

My mom is angry with me. Sigh. She has a problem with irrational fears - if she calls once and doesn't receive an answer, she calls again. Immediately. A second time and no answer and my phone is blowing up. Alternating calls and text messages, elevating from the normal: "please call me" to the ALL CAPS: "KP!!!!!!!!!!!" The problem is, she tried calling the night "J" came home after a week being gone. I am going to save everyone the details here, but just say that it would have been highly inappropriate for me to answer the phone. Apparently, in my mother's book, that's not the correct way to act with her. You see, rather than it being her responsibility to learn to control her irrational thoughts, I have to cater to them. Because of that, I'm being punished with my calls and text messages going unanswered. Really!?! She's the one who's ALWAYS there when I'm lonely. I can't help but wish she wasn't acting this way right now...

That brings me back to my bed. It's far too late for me to be awake. But, I feel acutely better knowing these feelings no longer reside in my brain where they will keep me awake all night. I promise to tell the story of moving into this wonderful new house, and mine and "J's" amazing trip to meet my family/friends. But, despite the fact that I can't imagine life being any sweeter, I just don't feel that right now. And, as you all know, I don't edit what I write here - no matter how much I sometimes wish I could. I have started to enjoy and appreciate the beauty in the imperfections of every day life...

KP's blow-up mattress chronicles: Part 2

Scene opens to KP sitting on her blow up mattress, sniffling. Still by Matt Nathanson is coming out of the computer's speaker. The same sheet covers the window. Clothes from the work day have been tossed on the bed's corner.

It's been a long day. I have spent the majority of it at the office, where it appears I will be spending much of my time over the next few weeks/months. On Friday afternoon I was pulled aside and told I was being added to another account. It's a "broken" account that we are working to "fix" before it's too late. So, with no other options, they chose me. I'm flattered. And scared. The fate of my job - of all of our jobs - could rest in this one account. Holy shit. The reality is terrifying. So, I am being infused with all the knowledge possible to bring me up to speed as quickly as possible. Who knows how this will play out. I have to admit I'm kind of looking forward to the challenge...

KP flashes back to last week when "J" was on her blow-up mattress next to her. She smiles.

"J" and I decided we needed a night alone before he left for Europe. Again. So, last Wednesday he left his mom home with "Little J" and we had a date night. It's crazy to me sometimes that 2 "single" people have to plan to see each other the way we often do. Seriously. It took SEVERAL text messages to plan an evening together. We decided on dinner at a fabulous restaurant in the South End, followed by some Port in the North End. Dinner was amazing. We talked about how hard it is to be apart constantly like we are - and to stay connected to each other. I was upset. Scared thinking about the implications that often come when one person is always gone, and the other is always waiting. Come to think of it, I'm still scared.

We left dinner and drove to the North End. After looking for a parking space for quite some time (and eventually finding one), we decided to just head home and spend some quiet time together. I laid on my bed going through emails for a client interview I was setting up. "J" laid behind me and let me rest my head on him. He looks at me with the sweetest eyes and says: "I love you, KP." He apologizes for not always being the perfect partner, but promises that just because he's not perfect at showing it doesn't mean he wants anything less than to be that person for me. With tears welling in my eyes, I capture that moment in my mind. I think this is my favorite moment.

The next day we have dinner with his mom and all head to pick mine up from the airport. Within minutes, we had both mothers in the same place - both from different continents. Crazy. We took "J's" mom home and continued (finally) to the North End for some dessert, wine and good conversation. It continued to our hotel where we visited for several more hours, until I was falling asleep mid-conversation. I walk "J" downstairs, kiss him and wish him a safe trip.

On Friday, after finding out about my new account and my impending stress, I call "J" before he boards his plane. He tells me about the newly uncovered issues with his citizenship struggles. UGH! Please, God, I think, don't take this away from me. Don't tell me this is too good to be true...

"J's" still gone. We are trying new ways of staying connected while we're apart. I think we're doing okay. Mom left this afternoon, which always makes me a little sad. No matter how long I'm away, or how old I am, I still miss being close to her. No luck so far convincing her to move out East. Emotional from these goodbyes and lack of sleep, I check my voicemails. I come across the first message "J" left (after the woman prompted me that it was about to be erased) and start to cry at the sound of his voice. I think to myself: is this normal? (I still don't have the answer). I left work to have dinner with one of my dearest friends. She talked about her plans to leave Boston within the next 3 to 6 months. I took the bus home with all of my luggage from the weekend with mom and came up to my room, where I sit now.

I have left so many places and so many people. So much of me is scattered across different cities and states...and even countries. But, I sit here and wonder...is life always about saying goodbye? I have to think it's not, because if it was, people would stop taking the time to say hello.

Scene ends with KP sitting on her blow-up mattress, exhausted after a long day. The Story by Brandi Carlile is now coming from the computer's speaker. She smiles thinking of the nice day she had, and the wonderful people who shared it with her.

KP's blow-up mattress chronicles: Part 1

My mentor and good friend told me that I should write a series/sitcom where every episode starts out with the main character sitting on her blow-up mattress blogging about the things that happen in her life. Picture Sex in the City meets Mary Tyler Moore meets Dear John.

It's sad how very true it is. Me sitting in the dark punching away at the keys, surrounded by nothing but space, a sheet-covered window and an old mirror. I thought that I'd give that a try tonight as I sit, well, you've already got the picture...

My apologies that I'm about to take you back a week. Last weekend "J" told me he made an appointment to look at an apartment for rent a few blocks away in Southie. He said it was to "get in the mode of looking for a place". It was Monday and I had the day off. We slept in, threw some clothes on and drove up the hill to see our first potential apartment together. We walked in and fell in love IMMEDIATELY! HUGE kitchen. TWO decks. TWO floors. THREE bedrooms. TWO bathrooms!!! We told the owner a little bit about us and left with the rental agreement in hand. Then we drove to the grocery store. Standing in the produce aisle, "J" looks at me and says: "Let's just do it. Why the hell not. It's AMAZING. We both love it. It's just what we're looking for. Let's go for it." I look at him holding a package of red leaf lettuce and say: "Yeah, okay. Let's do it."

"J" calls and tells them we want it. The application process follows. References. Credit checks. We make an appointment to bring "Little J" today to give her approval. After all, we can't just make a big decision like that without getting her input.

I call my mom to tell her we found a place. With excitement in my voice, I tell her all about it. How AWESOME it is. "I'll have a closet," I tell her. "I can FINALLY get my things and put them in MY HOUSE. I'll have a home, mom." With little enthusiasm in her voice, she manages to say: "That's great." A few moments later, after a comment I make about the ex-husband, she says: "I think I'm going to go visit him in Philadelphia." Excuse me? I don't think I heard you correctly. The connection must be bad. I thought you just said you're going to visit my ex-husband. I don't think him OR his fiance would be comfortable with that. But, sure, call him and see what he thinks about it.

Funny thing - she hasn't mentioned this in 2 years, and the day I tell her my boyfriend and I are getting an apartment together, this is what she says. Issues, anyone???? I quickly realize that my mother's issues aren't with me and "J" moving in together at all, but with her own issues dealing with change. She has to get to know someone new. It will no longer just be us when she comes to visit. Someone else is important in my life. Someone else is my family. Loving me. Supporting me. Taking me away from her. As much as I sympathize and understand those feelings a parent experiences when faced with letting go, I have lost all patience for it. I believe a family is there to support, love, accept. Mine seems to be excited on their time and when it suits them. They don't like confronting their own demons - it's so much more fun to supress them. But, and maybe I'm crazy here, I think family should be more than talking about the weather.

Anyways, the week continues with little contact with my mom. I am working a lot and starting to get nervous to meet "J's" mom who was coming in this weekend.

So, heart pounding out of my chest, I met her yesterday for the first time. I was FREAKING out. The whole birthday situation left me scared to meet the woman who created and raised this AMAZING man I love. Hmm...maybe I shouldn't have been so tense. Haha! It went smooth - just as predicted. She is WONDERFUL. I can't even believe I was nervous. What an idiot!

Today we took mom and "Little J" to see the new apartment. We asked "Little J" to give us her opinion. As she walked down the stairs, she said to me and grandma: "My opinion is: WE SHOULD LIVE IN THIS HOUSE!" "J" and I smiled from ear to ear. We were so pleased to have her approval. It suddenly felt like home. We signed the lease, shared a family hug, then went to Burdicks in Cambridge for the best hot chocolate in the US to celebrate.

It's funny. "J" and I met on a random Thursday night. Our courtship has been fast, intense, and amazing. Just a few short months after meeting him, I felt this crazy feeling. It was something I had never felt before. I couldn't put my finger on it until this weekend. It's family. He feels like family. His daughter feels like family. I moved to Boston alone and confused 10 months ago. I now have a family here. A home (as of April 1st). It goes to show that family isn't always about blood. It's where home is. And my home is here. In Boston. In Southie. With "J", "Little J", 2 bathrooms, 3 bedrooms, a HUGE kitchen, and the INSANE amount of visitors who will inevitably be coming to stay.

I am now looking forward to cleaning bathrooms, doing laundry and fighting over the amount of junk left on the counters. Life is crazy. And SO GOOD!

Hope...anyone?

I don't want to come across as unhappy, ungrateful or a pessimist for I am none of those things. I know I feel a lot of things, and since writing is my outlet, those often fleeting feelings are expressed the moment I feel them. So, please forgive me if this post is less than cheery - because I feel anything but at this moment.

I woke up this morning excited it was Monday. I actually like going to work. I LOVE the people I work with, and love my clients. Working gives me a sense of accomplishment and purpose I have yet to find in other avenues. I had a busy morning - making sure I got my car from Southie to JP as to not incur any more parking tickets. Then it was off to the office where I would have to get my week started and log my time - which is something I loathe more than anything else - EVER! The tedious task of going through my Outlook calendar and email to piece together how I spent every 25 minutes of my work week - UGH! But, as usual, I digress.

I walk into the office, happy to see my fellow co-workers and friends - and I get to work. I help one of them distribute a press release that had just crossed the wire. It was a good start to a good day. OH! And I made plans to have dinner with "Little J" and her mom this week while "J"'s in England. How awesome is that!?! I sat on the phone with her for an hour last night as she told me the story of her and "J"...and I thought to myself that no one could have ever made me believe I'd be having this conversation about the man I'm dating. It was surreal. I had to stop myself from asking the "we're-girlfriends-now-so-we-share-everything" question: "was it as good for you as it is for me"???? Haha...shit. Digressing...

So I run down to grab some lunch with my awesome friend. We get back and there's a calendar invite that starts in 15 minutes - a call with the GM. Uh-oh. This is NEVER good. We pile into the conference room. All of us but one. I know right away why she's not there. He starts by telling us what a great job we're all doing, but the state of the economy, blah, blah, blah...He finishes by dropping the bomb that each office will be losing one employee. We all sit silent. What can we say when one of our "family" members has just been told to pack her things and leave? What will it be like when I walk in tomorrow and she's not there? She was my friend. Everyday. For 10 hours a day she sat next to me. Now her desk is quiet. I wanted to do everything I could to save her from the pain of being "the one" to have to walk out alone. I know that feeling. I've been that one. I hated that for her. I wanted to be sick. We all sat there in silence. Disbelief. No one could talk as she packed her things. When she left, awkward laughter. My boss looked like a ghost. We all did. Truth is, no one knows when this will happen again. 3 months? 6 Months? Who will be next? Is it going to get any better? Is anyone safe anymore?

I came home, lit a candle and laid on the couch in the dark. Thinking about my friend who now has no healthcare or paycheck, while I prepare to get up for work again in the morning. The same feeling she had yesterday. I wish we could have all taken a paycut. Made some sacrifices to save her job. To keep her at the desk next to me. I'm sad - and I'm going to continue to be sad. I wanted to be comforted by people I love...to know there are still good things. Hear a familiar voice on the line. Talk about my fears. I know that there are 6 other people in that office who feel the exact same way I do, and understand these emotions. But no one wants to talk about them as they just invoke more fear, angst, sadness.

So, I sit here alone tonight, writing to try to vent my sadness and my fear. Not only for me, but for all of us. For my friend who needs to start over. For all my friends who have found themselves in this same position. I'm wondering when this will end and people will start smiling again. I miss people smiling. My once happy and sunny office has turned dismal and depressing - probably like a lot of offices around the country. But I do have hope because I can't imagine this lasting forever. We can't survive like this. We have to bounce back. We have to be happy again. We will be telling our children stories like those our grandparents told us - while we sat there listening in disbelief, unable to fathom a world without, well, everything.

I apologize if I don't sound happy tonight. My head hurts and my heart is heavy. I am going to miss my friend. And I am going to feel both guilty and grateful that I am still one of the lucky ones who gets to complain about getting up for work in the morning.

Speaking of which...I need to get some sleep...

Never a Dull Moment

I'm going to set the scene for a story I think everyone will enjoy. I don't want to set expectations too high, but this post will be full of twists and turns - just when you think there has been enough drama for one year (but took place in one LONG day), something else will happen that you simply cannot believe. But rather than continue to build suspense, I'll just get into it already.

Opening scene: Tuesday morning: Scene opens with KP on the #11 bus on her way to work. Sound of cell phone vibrating. KP looks down at her phone. Ex-husband. She answers it and says hello. The conversation continues throughout the duration of the bus ride. They talk about the economy and the changes being made at her company. Several old friends have lost their jobs. And their houses. KP exits the bus and begins to walk towards her office, still on the phone. After about 35 minutes of conversation the conversation takes an abrupt turn.

Ex-husband: "Well, it's been good catching up with you. I hope all goes well with the job. Keep me posted. I'll talk to you later. By the way, I'm getting married. Okay, we'll talk about that later. Have a great day."

KP (a look of shock and surprise on her face): "I'm sorry. Did you say you're getting married!?! And you just throw that in there at the end? No - we're going to talk about this now. When did this happen? When are you getting married? What about the annulment?"

Ex-husband: "About a month ago. I wasn't ready to tell you. But I don't really want to talk about it now, so I guess we'll talk about it later. No worries on the annulment. I'm not gonna go through with it."

KP: "Well I'm happy for you. I'm really happy for you. Thank you for telling me at least."

KP continues on her way to work. She walks into the office. The first words out of her mouth are: "'M' is getting married." Her co-workers look up shock and in unison chime: "Oh my God. Are you okay?"

End scene.

The first 3 people I call do not answer. I need to make sure I document this. Get it out. Tell my friends. My mom. How do I feel about this? I don't even know. I feel weird. Numb. Am I happy for him? I have no reason to be angry or sad. My mom calls me back. I tell her. She falls silent. I begin to cry. Oh. So I AM going to react to this. Hah. I knew something would come out eventually.

The next few hours are a blur. I walk through the office somewhat like a zombie. I don't know how I'm supposed to react. I think this is normal, but this is totally new for me. Mostly I can't believe it. I can't believe after all those years I was the last to know. But I guess that's what happens when people split up, huh? I mean, he's not the first person I call anymore. So why would it be different for him, right?

A few hours later "J" pops up on my IM window and asks if I'm busy. As a side note, I told him almost immediately about "M"; he too asked me how I was. Okay, back to the IM. "I want to talk to you about something." Oh, geez, I think. The last time he used this phrase we ended up arguing about how bad I was to offend his family. Just as I'm reading this, my client calls me with an issue that needs to be dealt with immediately. I'm on the phone with him telling myself NOT to read the IM message from "J" that's flashing, calling my name at the bottom of the screen. I do it anyways.

"I was thinking that I know why I was having these crazy dreams. It's because I need some space. Not because I don't love you like crazy or because I don't want you around. I do. It's just this place is small and I need to just be here. I love you madly...and still want you to spend the night here with me. I just need a little time alone."

I read this and start shaking. Shaking. I hang up with my client. I stand up as calmly as I can and proceed to the bathroom. I unlock the door, walk into the first stall and collapse against the door. And begin sobbing. A flood. Can't breathe. Walls closing in. Want to run. Far away. Home. To the one home I know. My family. Friends. I need them. Now. Why does this hurt so much right now? Why did he say this now? Today. He must know how hard that was for me to hear. Does he not care about how I'm feeling? That I couldn't wait to run home to him but now felt like I wanted to be anywhere but there. The place where I was suffocating him?

I collect myself, splash some cold water on my face and return to my desk. I send an email to my friend with this conversation, begging her to read it and respond. I need you, I say to her without having to say the words. Just then another message from "J".

J: "Oh my God. My dad just called. My grandma died."

At this moment, I looked up to the sky and say, "really??"

Of course now everything he said previously is null and void and he wants me to come home to be with him. He needs me. Meanwhile I'm sad. Angry. Feeling like I don't belong anywhere. But I know I can't address this tonight because his grandma had just died. I need to be there for him. I need to suck up my feelings and be strong. For him.

I cried my entire walk home. Sobbed. I needed to feel my pain. Validate it. I walk in and give him a hug. Hold him. Tell him I'm so sorry. I hate his pain. And mine.

We ended up talking that night - that's the way "J" works. Nothing goes unsaid or unsolved. I love this about him, but loath it at the same time. I wanted to be alone in my feelings. Unselfish in the way I supported him. He explained his side and I cried. And told him he picked a shitty day to tell me that. He was selfish when he should have been supportive. I was angry because I just wanted support. To be understood. He realized he was wrong and should have "listened" to what I was telling him. Through my voice. My responses. My avoidance.

The night ended with us laying on the couch together - both in pain. But together. And in love. Knowing it sucks. But sucks less when you have someone willing to hold your hand through the pain. And suckiness. I fell asleep thinking to myself: just when I think my life is starting to "settle" into a routine, I'm suddenly reminded that nothing in KP's world will ever be boring.

My eyes puffy from crying, I fell asleep in the comfort knowing my life will always be, well, my life. Strangely, I found a lot of comfort in that.

What I Do Have

It's not even 10:00 on a Thursday night and I am EXHAUSTED! I'm sitting here on "J's" couch with a re-run of The Office on mute (which, by the way, I thought was NEW) in a daze. I am tired after a week of long and stressful days at work. I am tired of the cold and snow that make it impossible to enjoy fresh air and the feel of sun on my face. And, most of all, I am tired of hearing about how bad the world is getting and how miserable everyone is.

It's so weird. People have been talking about a recession for a long time now, and we've heard rumblings of lay-offs in different cities across the country. All of a sudden, though, it seems to have hit home. And it seems to have come out of nowhere.

I feel like the past 2 weeks have been more stressful at work than I have ever experienced before. My boss is a walking zombie. He was the reason I took this job with this company - his compassion, his character, his attitude. But something has changed that. He still cares - but no longer has time or energy to show it. Everyone in my office has become painfully aware of this reality and has consequently stopped smiling. I used to love going to the office and now I dread it. It has become a constant reminder that the world we used to know is no longer.

This makes me angry. It makes me angry because I like that world. I like when people smile and have hope. I like when people talk about traveling and babies and marriage and new beginnings. I feel like all anyone is talking about right now is endings and misery. No one is talking about the good times - what's ahead, what was, and what is now.

I was texting with my best friend last night when I told her about something I heard about my own company. She immediately asked me how I was and told me she's praying for me and she loves me. During our conversation I was washing the dishes with the lights low, candles lit, and music playing. Afterwards I climbed into bed where I was joined a while later by "J", who kissed me softly and told me he's the luckiest man in the world (I think this is just a line to get, well, you know.) I rolled over, smiled, and fell asleep in his arms.

I walked to work this morning listening to Eminem. I saw people everywhere trying not to fall on the ice. I had a GREAT client call. I talked to my best friend who's planning on spending Valentine's Day with me in Boston. I emailed with an old friend I miss terribly. And made plans to see my old roomie tomorrow night at my favorite bar.

I realized that all this really sucks. And it's scary. And there will be moments I will be sad and angry. But, I have so much. I think we all do. I just think sometimes when we're all wrapped up in what we don't have, it's so hard to see - and be grateful for - the things we do. That's a tight rope to walk, as we often lose those things if we don't hold on tight enough. So, despite the fact that I'm a little sad, and really frustrated with the world right now, I can't let it kill my energy or my spirit. It has been trying, and there have been moments this week that I've given in to it just like the rest of the world - but life's just too good to complain about it.

So in a few minutes I'm going to crawl into bed and fall asleep to some soft music and wake up tomorrow to finish off this long week. And, I'm going to be grateful for the stress because it's better than unemployment stress! And then I'm going to enjoy a weekend of sleeping in, late breakfasts, good-looking British men (or, really, just one), SuperBowl parties and vegetarian chili. If my life stays like this, I don't see one reason to complain!

My soundtrack

I love music. I know a lot of people say that, but I REALLY love it. I spend my entire day immersed in lyrical goodness - when I get ready in the morning, on the bus on my way to work, with my headphones on at the office, on the bus on my way "home". When I get "home", whenever possible, I put on my favorite music videos. I can't even imagine a day without it. It is simply a part of who I am.

I love to learn new music. Be introduced to new artists. Hear their stories. Listen to their lyrics. Create my own plot. I love when a song is so good you disappear into the melody, swept away by the rhythm and flow of the words. When the beat makes it impossible to not play the air drums. (Yes, I really do this at my desk). When a song is so sad you cry because you can feel the pain through the music. Or when a new song takes you by surprise when it reveals a painful truth you might have missed.

As I (attempt to) write my book, I often think about what songs I would choose as my story's "soundtrack" should A Sophisticated Mess ever make it to the big screen (hey - a girl can dream). Since this is preliminary and just a pipe dream, you cannot hold me accountable should this list change between the time of this post and the movie premier. I just thought I'd share a few of my favorites, in case anyone else loves music as much as I do and wants to expand your music library.

Sugarland: Already Gone
This is actually my "theme" song. I first heard it in the back on my parent's car driving home from dinner with my grandpa. I only heard the last verse (about her leaving with her boxes packed as he stood waving), but sat sobbing silently in the backseat. I went immediately to Target to buy the CD. I put it in my car and listened to it over...and over...and over. And just sobbed. It's my life. Every verse.
Taylor Swift: Cold As You
Rascal Flatts: Movin On
Saving Abel: Addicted
Rascal Flatts: My Biggest Fear
One Republic: Apologize
Augustana: Boston
Duh. Haha! I think I played this song 100 times when I moved out here. I still get chills.
Eminem: Shake That
Whenever I hear this song, I see myself as the star of my own sitcom, walking down the street to this beat (think 21st century Mary Tyler Moore)
Elton John: Tiny Dancer
Usher: Love in the Club
Awesome story of going to a gay club with my old roomie and being FLIPPED upside-down
Keith Urban: Got It Right This Time
Ray LaMontagne: Can I Stay
Brandi Carlisle: The Story
Dixie Chicks: Lullaby
Led Zeppelin: ANY
Bon Jovi: Never Say Goodbye
Kris Delmhorst: Words Fail Me
Carrie Underwood: Starts With Goodbye
Flo Rida: Low
Sugarland: All I Want to Do

There are so many more. This is just a sampling of some of the songs that would HAVE to be included on a soundtrack of these past few years. Of course I didn't include any NKOTB in there (which I'm listening to as I type), but I think that goes without saying.

I hope you like this sampling. May listening to these songs bring you as much joy as it has me. And, if anyone has a favorite song they'd like to add to my library, I'm always open to musical suggestions!

"Let's Go To The Movies"

I love going to the movies. I love that I get to just disappear into someone else's story for two hours. I love everything about the experience. However, last night's movie left me feeling less than warm-hearted.

My office had Monday off to celebrate MLK Jr. Day - an awesome thing! So, we all got back into the office yesterday after a long weekend, and starting recapping our activities. Two friends mentioned they went to see this movie called "Revolutionary Road", and that it was definitely worth seeing. One of them has a very similar story to mine - married in her early twenties, divorced, moved to Boston, found the love of her life. She tells me that I have to see this movie, but for people like us - people who have made the hard decision to leave - it's very emotional. "You have to see it, but you will cry," she says to me.

I immediately message "J" and ask him if he wants to see a movie after work. With extreme excitement, he said he'd love to after reading the movie's description. We began messaging about the feelings of guilt I have been experiencing towards my own past, and I warn him that I might be "a little emotional". We both agreed it would be one of those movies that sparks awesome conversation and insight into the human psyche. Well, we were right about that.

First of all, this movie is amazing. The acting is phenomenal. The story is intense. I highly recommend it as a movie to be seen. However, if you have any fear about relationships, settling, making a bad choice, being stuck in a place you despise - any one or all of those fears - you will have a very rough time watching this film. After a million tears we left the theater in a daze and walked over to grab dinner at my favorite place, Panera. We walk up to the counter to order our meal and can barely speak. We were so wiped out. So exhausted. Emotionally and physically. This movie was not only a depiction of what could happen if you aren't true to yourself, but also of a couple trying so desperately to figure life out in the context in which they were living.

I've lived those fights. I've seen that look of utter sadness. Hopelessness. I think we all have. That's why it was so gut-wrenching. We have all been there. We have all settled - made choices because they made sense. This, my dear friends, is my worst fear. Being somewhere I hate. Miserable with who I have become. Deceiving - and being deceived by - the person you love and trust most in the world.

We walked out and talked about what happened to them, and how to ensure that doesn't become of us. How to make sure you listen to not only the person you're with, by yourself. Staying true to that person. I'm not sure we solved the problem of unhappy couples around the world, but we did promise to always talk. About our feelings. Our fears. Our needs. I don't know that there's any better solution. But I do know that love drives this world, and we'll never be without it. And, I also know that because this tragedy happened to Kate and Leo doesn't mean it's slated for me.

Right now, though, I know I'm exhausted and want to go to bed. So, that's what I'm gonna do. I'm going to dream of wonderful things and true love. Or Leo naked. Whatever gets me through the night...(I'm totally kidding, by the way)

A place to belong

Okay, so I'm going to continue my posts of "personal searching" - looking for peace and answers through writing. I find that after getting it all down, I feel unbelievably better, and that I understand even more about myself, my feelings, and my fears.

I feel more and more like I'm searching for a place to belong. A place to call home. I feel that the longer this continues, the more likely I am to be locked up as certifiably insane for eternity. As this thought is not terribly attractive to me, I realize I have to make some decisions. I have to take my life into my own hands, stop talking about how horrible it makes me feel, and do something about it. The only problem is, I don't know what that "something" is.

I think it's important here to note how awesome "J" is about the whole thing. I have been practically living at his place for the past few weeks. He tells me to call this home, and treats me as though this is as much my place as it is his. But, the reality of the situation (and anyone who has "lived" with their significant other without really living with them knows) is that it's NOT my home. I am a guest, and consequently act as though I'm a guest. I respect this as his home. I respect him as both my boyfriend as well as someone who has opened his heart and home to me. He is - and has been - wonderful.

Now, I know everyone is wondering why we're not getting ready to move into a place of our own right now. After all, it was the subject of a past post where I was spewing "excited" and "giddy" onto the computer screen. Before anyone panics that things in "KP/"J" world aren't as blissful as I let on, we ARE planning on getting a place. It's just that there are timing issues - priorities - that prevent that from happening right now. These issues are - and should be - the focus of his time/energy right now.

So, knowing and understanding all of this, I'm still sitting here on his couch at 1:45 in the morning, feeling awful for being in his space. For becoming this burden. For putting him in the position of being in love and still wanting to be alone. To have his time. I've become the person he loves having around, but wishes he could really long to have me around. He wants to miss me.

I understand this in a way that's painfully clear. I understand that for both of us, it's better for me to not be here all the time. Despite that, it's so hard for me to want to be in an empty room with an air mattress. It just doesn't make any sense for me to bring my things for something that's so temporary. I hate that no answer seems clear.

I don't even know where I was going - or where I was hoping to go - with this post. All I know is that a man I love is sleeping in the next room as I type. I look forward to crawling in next to him shortly and (hopefully) getting some sleep in order to quiet down all these thoughts running through my head. Maybe I'll find some sort of solution tomorrow when my head's not so clouded with exhaustion. I look forward to that solution, and to someday soon feeling as though the place I go to sleep will not be filled with so much anxiety, guilt and frustration.

But until then, I'm going to close my eyes and enjoy sleeping next to the man who makes it so hard to be angry or frustrated about anything.

Moving On = Letting Go

We all have pasts. And those pasts are full of happiness, pain, anger, joy, sadness, regret, guilt. They made us who we are today. The good. The bad. We have all made choices that have guided us to the present moment. If you're anything like me, you are grateful for those decisions because you know the life you know now - the life you were meant to live - would be so different if you had done anything different. But, you also feel the effects of those choices. The guilt. The change. No choice - not even the right one - is made without consequence.

It's strange, the way I've been feeling lately. I returned to Boston after spending 2 wonderful weeks with friends and family. That, as I mentioned, is always hard for me. It's hard to come back to a world that's still uncertain. Still unsettled. To leave my comfortable chaos. But after a few weeks back into my "normal" schedule, I feel like that was a year ago, and am back to being okay so far away. I miss everyone immensely, of course. But, having been gone for so long, that feeling is a part of who I am. "Missing" is a emotion that runs through me regularly. I wouldn't feel like me without it.

"J" and I have gotten into a routine as much as we can. I have been staying here with him since we returned from our respective holiday celebrations. I come "home", we make dinner, and fall asleep together. It's nice having a routine with someone you love. It's comfort and excitement all at once. We both laugh when we realize we haven't known each other for years. "Our" life feels so natural. So right. So meant to be. It's crazy to think that just a year ago he wasn't even in the same zip code...

Despite the fact that life is seemingly perfect (with the exception, of course, of the whole lack of a home thing), I've been struggling a bit lately with emotions that seemingly came out of nowhere. These emotions actually "crippled" me earlier this week. All of a sudden I was feeling sad. And I couldn't understand why. I hate not being able to figure myself out, so I focused all my energy on trying to solve this personal emotional riddle. And, just like usual, the answer slapped me in the face while I was (of all places) in the bathroom. I was holding on. To the past. To the pain. To the guilt. It suddenly hit me that as "J" and I talk more seriously about, well, being serious, the more these feelings affect me.

I am in love with this man. Wholly. Without a doubt. I am not jumping ship on him or this fabulous relationship. But, no matter what I do today or plan on doing tomorrow, I have done things - and loved people - in my past. These people shaped who I am, and helped guide me to this place. To lying on "J"s couch at 2:00 am.

I realized I need to find my peace with those people. The decisions I made. And the way I handled them. I need to apologize for my wrongs, and for the hurt. Only now that I am where I need to be can I see the pain I caused. The lives I changed. I took faith, trust, love - and treated them as though they don't mean anything. When in reality, they mean everything. Everything I am and believe in is made up of these things.

What does all this mean? It means I need to say I'm sorry. To let go of the guilt that follows me. With every step I take. I need to look to the future without seeing the past. Let go. Of everything. Forgive the wrongs. And cherish the good for what it gave me.

Life is so good. I wouldn't give anything to be anywhere else. But moving on means letting go of the decisions we have made, and basking in the awesomeness that is the consequence of those very same choices.

Mars...Venus...Really?

This whole notion that men and women are so different...where did it start? Who was the first person to realize that the way we think is so totally opposite of each other?

So, since writing helps me regain my sanity, I'm going to vent here for a few moments. And, since I often discover things through my writing, I might even be able to solve this age-old problem...

Let me start on Sunday. I had to leave Michigan. This act is ALWAYS hard for me. Now, I have been away for years and have adjusted to having "distant" relationships. But, being back with my amazing friends and family, I fall right back into comfort mode. I immediately feel comfortable knowing they are right down the road should I need to escape. Should I need them. It's like no distance or time has passed at all. So, leaving that all over again - every time - is so tough.

This particular trip was especially tough for me as I have been "displaced" so many times over the past few months, that I felt as though I was coming back to living out of suitcases. I find myself constantly frustrated that this continues to be my existence - living like a nomad. It's no one's fault but my own, I realize. But still tough. I just need to settle soon. I just found it so hard to leave the one place I can still call "home"...

Last night "J" came back from his trip home for the holidays. It was so great to see him for the first time in weeks. The reunion was everything I had hoped it would be. Now, I enjoyed my time at home in Michigan so much - visiting with friends, re-kindling old friendships, spending time with my family. But I missed him on Christmas. And New Year's. I would have loved to ring in the New Year with him.

We stayed up late, and of course I had to get up early for work. My friend (who just saw her boyfriend for the first time in 9 months - he left yesterday morning) asked me if I was interested in having dinner with her tonight. As much as I have missed her and love having dinner with my friends, all I wanted to do was spend a little time with "J" alone since coming back to Boston. I have missed him. I am still a little sad after leaving everyone back home. I was so excited to get back into our groove together. Unfortunately, "J" was looking to get back into his groove with his friends. I understand this. I really do. I hate even being upset over this. To make matters worse, I developed a terrible infection that has left me feeling terrible, sad, vulnerable, and emotional. And I sit here in his bed alone - all those feelings swarming. Needing to sleep, but knowing I can't until all of this is off my chest.

Ultimately, I know that I'm a VERY lucky person. I am in a VERY good place, and a VERY good relationship. I just wish that sometimes there were smaller differences between men and women. That men understood it's simpler than they think to love us. Attention. A little affection. Cuddling when we are sick. We love our men and show it well. We like to feel the same.

I know we are wired differently, and they can't be blamed for the way they're built. But, neither can we. So, I wonder if we will ever get to the place where we "get" the opposite sex. Where we can anticipate the way they will react to our actions, and vice versa.

Really, I think that we'll always be like this. And that we, as women, will just always turn to each other to complain about being left alone when we want companionship. Not getting a kiss when we need it. Not enough communication. And, my guess is that they will continue to complain that we are too needy, too emotional, and hard to understand.

So, my dear friends, it seems I have indeed solved this age-old problem. We just need to accept these differences, get angry when they affect us, talk about them, but then let it go. Because at the end of the day, there's nothing better than falling asleep next to the person you love. Or waking up next to the person you can't imagine your life without.

Mars vs. Venus? I don't know. But if there's a magnetic field holding these two planets together, then sure, I can see it. Because there is definitely some sort of "force" at work when he's next to me...

A bittersweet ending...

I know I haven't posted in a long time, and for that I apologize. Life seems to get crazy sometimes and takes time away from the things we love to do - like writing. I promise TO TRY to be better in 2009.

So, I feel like since there's only one day left in 2008, it's only appropriate to reflect back on the year that has held so many changes for yours truly. No better place then to start at the beginning, right?
Hmm...I rang in 2008 in Knoxville with some of my very best friends in the whole world. If I remember correctly, there was drinking, dancing, laughing, games of dirty Jenga, and torn fishnet stockings. If I don't remember correctly, I'd like to keep my memories the way they are - because in them I had a blast!

Despite the wonderful company and fun I was (clearly) having, I was also in the midst of a lot of pain as the clock struck midnight. Only 2 days earlier, I found my dad slumped in the living room after (we later learned) having suffered a stroke; I was grieving the loss of a relationship that was doomed from the beginning, as no person or relationship has a fighting chance against an active addiction; and I had recently found myself living back home in a place that held more pain (at the time) then happy memories.

I remember hoping...praying...wishing...for a better 2008. I woke up in the new year so grateful for the people in my life - those who have stuck by me and loved me when it was seemingly impossible.

2008 was a great year! I discovered a new level of love and compassion I didn't know possible. Within me. Within my friends. I became acutely aware of the AMAZING people in my life, and how with every moment that passes, and every breath I take, I can NEVER take them for granted. I realized that "family" doesn't mean "blood". At some point this past year I lost count of the numerous times my friends surpassed human levels of acceptance and love - and realized I am forever indebted to each one of them for that.

I think if asked, most people would describe my 2008 with one word: "moving". I don't know if I could count the amount of times I have packed my things and moved them from one place to another. I feel like it has been forever since I opened a dresser drawer to get a pair of socks, or laid on my couch watching movies all day. I vaguely remember what that feeling is like - that feeling of security. Being settled. Home. I waited for so long for that feeling. I'm still waiting.

2008 also brought love. Great love. Amazing love. Of family. Of friends. It brought me to Boston, which is a place I am starting to call home. With a job I love. And friends. And "J". And a life. I'm building a life I LOVE.

I am excited to see what 2009 holds. I woke up this morning and said goodbye to one of my very best friends after a WONDERFUL night of laughing, talking, and catching up. My heart is always a little heavier when I say goodbye to her, knowing it will be another 6 months before we have this opportunity again. Knowing I would give anything to have this time with her every month. Knowing I feel that way about so many people - wishing we could be closer. That I wasn't always saying goodbye. But also feeling incredibly grateful that I have people I love so dearly. And who love me.

I spent the day reflecting on changes I need to make. Relationships that need healing. I am still searching for those answers, and think I will continue to search through the new year. But I am confident I will find them.

I am looking forward to the new friends I will meet. The home I will make. The places I will see. The love I will share. Looking back on all the changes - and even the pain - I am so grateful for every moment of 2008. All of those moments brought me to this moment. And I LOVE this moment. I love thinking about ringing in the new year again with my family in Knoxville, and making new memories.

For 2009: I hope I laugh everyday. Love without fear. Make new friends. Connect with old ones. I hope I can be a good friend. And daughter. And sister. I hope to finish my book.

I hope my friends and family find peace. Happiness. I hope all of you have something to smile about everyday. With no exceptions. I hope to love each one of you the way you have done me. Unconditionally. And without judgment.

I am a little sad to say goodbye to this year that I called "the year of KP" at this same time last year. But, I have a feeling 2009 will be even better. With all of you, I don't know how it couldn't be!

HAPPY NEW YEAR! May it bring everything you hope for...

All my love. Always.

The next step

Okay. So I return home after the "I have been thinking about suggesting we get a place together" comment and can barely sleep. Is he serious? Are we ready? Will he bring it up again? Is this the "right" time? What is the "right" time, anyways? Who makes that call? These questions plague my mind as I drift off for what will only be a few hours sleep.

I wake up the next morning excited, coaching myself over and over throughout the day that I can be the one to bring this up again. That I can be brave. That I can fight all my female insecurities that tell me to wait until he brings it up. I script the conversation perfectly in my head. Yes, I'm all set to make an appearance as the rarely seen (but often aspired to) assertive and confident KP.

He picks me up from work and takes me to my place to grab some clothes for today and then drives me home. I settle on the couch to read. He runs to the store for wine, and then starts making dinner. Salmon, risotto (he makes the BEST risotto), and vegetables. He's talking to me from the kitchen. About his day. About our upcoming trip to Philly. He starts telling me about his friend's documentary: "I want to see my friend's documentary I was telling you about. It looks so awesome." KP stares at "J" with blank a look on her face. "J" realizes he hasn't told me about this particular film yet. "You know, this wouldn't happen if we had more time together or if we lived in the same house."

Shortly after the SECOND mention of us becoming roomies, we sit down to dinner. There's romantic music playing in the background, candles lit, and wine has been poured. We sit and talk. And then he asks me: do I freak you out when I talk about these things. Like the future? Moving in together? Marriage?" I smile. I answer with a resounding NO! I mean, sure it's scary to be so vulnerable. But, something in my soul tells me this is right. We are right. I can't explain it or rationalize it. But it's SO GOOD! His face now is so close to mine I could feel his breath, see his dimples and myself in his dreamy blue eyes. He says: "so what do you think? do you want to live together?"

Yes. Yes, I do.

And with that we decide to start looking for a place after Christmas. Our place. Just the sound of that makes me smile in places so deep down inside. I will have a home. A HOME! I will unpack my make-up and my suitcases - and hang pictures. We will have a dining room table and a bed and dressers...and a bathroom to clean!

We spent the rest of the evening talking about the future. Our future. And smiling (we tend to do this a lot when we're together). It was magical. And scary. It's a new chapter. And new chapters are always a little bit scary.

Given this new level of vulnerability, I convince myself (with no particular evidence to support this next statement, of course) for a few short moments today that he regrets his decision and is kicking himself for ever suggesting it. I mean, who would seriously want to move in with me!?! I am obsessive-compulsive about my towels, take long showers and sing in my underwear. Constantly. Just then, my almost perfect boyfriend (yes, I have down-graded his status slightly so that I can better manage expectations...like when he leaves his socks on the floor or something...hehe) sends me the link to a house for rent in Brookline. Just then I realize that maybe - just maybe - there's someone out there who DOES want to take this next step with me. Imagine that...

And as scary as it might be for both of us, I'm so excited to wake up next to his smiling face everyday. And, yes, even his socks on the floor.

Healing, fate, and new beginnings

So, this past weekend comes and I'm looking forward to spending some quality time with "J". We make plans to have dinner with my best girl, "D" and her boy Friday night. This will be the first time I'm meeting this boy I've heard so much about - and vice versa. We ended up at The Alchemist Lounge in JP for some of the best drinks, food, and company I've had in a long time. We heard some crazy stories about the medical field (see: prolapse) and "J" and I doled out some relationship advice. All exhausted from a long week, we left relatively early and headed home where "J" and I finally had some quality time together. We even got to sleep in a little Saturday morning! It was a small slice of Heaven.

Now, since "J" and I are heading to Philadelphia for Thanksgiving weekend, he had "Little J" this weekend. He invited me to spend the weekend with them. Fighting my desire to have this time with my favorite boy and his gorgeous little girl, I tell him to enjoy Saturday alone with her. He hasn't had any time alone with her in weeks - and they needed some daughter/daddy time. They had lunch, went to the movies, chilled out at home. It was everything he needed. Now, since I am not that selfless, I spent Sunday hanging with them. We played store and tic-tac-toe, colored, dressed up, and had the city's best hot chocolate.

Now, this next part is BIG! On Saturday, "J" told me that I had been invited to "Little J's" house to meet her mom ("N"), step-dad and sister. He asked me how I felt about this. Honestly, I felt fine. I was actually looking forward to meeting her mother. It would help me continue to connect the dots of his life - something I rather enjoy. So, our Sunday is planned around this first meeting.

We arrive after stopping at the store to pick up dessert. From the second I walk through the door, I feel comfortable. Like we're friends. We look at dresses in her closet. And talk about having more babies. And watch The Little Mermaid. And have dinner and drink wine. It was incredible. I would be friends with this girl. Later that evening - when I should have been in bed - "J" and "N" are in the kitchen having a very serious discussion. I am talking to her husband (me with the baby in my arms, of course) in the family room. I overhear "J" tell her that he's sorry for the way he treated her when she found out she was pregnant. At that very moment, my heart smiled - he's finally getting the opportunity he's waited years for. Finally getting to say the words he's felt for so long but never had the courage or opportunity to say. He's making amends and starting to build something with this woman who has dedicated her life to raising her children. I knew at that moment this dinner was fate - and that we were all a part of something wonderful.

When we finally leave (after hugs, of course), "J" tells me in the car about his amazing conversation. About the tears. And the hope. And the healing. She was grateful for his apology. He was grateful for her sacrifice. They both developed a love for each other that was non-existent before that moment. Now they both have an admiration, respect, and love for each other as they raise their beautiful daughter. What a gift! "Little J" might just be the luckiest girl in the world to have so many people who love her so deeply. And purely. That differences don't seem to matter. And the past can be forgiven.

We drive home, both exhausted but in awe of such an amazing experience. When he drops me off at my car, I tell him I miss him. I miss not living across the street. I miss it being so easy to sleep in his bed. He sits silent. I ask the obvious question: do you not miss living so close to me? He pauses for a moment. "Yes, I do miss not having you so close. I miss you being able to sleep in my bed and go across the street to get ready. I miss it so much that I have been thinking about suggesting we get a place together." I am paralyzed. But I manage to smile. Then he kisses me. And I get out of the car and climb into mine. And drive home. Smiling.

Erasing the past

I'm sure we all have moments in our lives that we wish we could take back. Those that are attached to feelings of regret, sadness and anger. And, although most of us say if given the chance we "wouldn't change a thing", no one really means that. The irony is that no matter how much we wish we could, none of us can erase the past.

I was working feverishly at my desk earlier this week when I got an email from my ex-husband. This isn't unusual, so I thought nothing of it. The message is cordial - says he has a favor to ask of me - could he call me at work? Without hesitation, I tell him to go ahead. A moment later, the phone rings.

Nothing is out of place. He begins by telling me a funny story about his mom. Then tells me his new girlfriend is going home with him to meet his family for Thanksgiving. I tell him about my plans to spend the weekend in Philadelphia with "J". We joke about how funny and weird it would be if the four of us had drinks together. Then he does the awkward, now what was I saying? What was I going to say? Oh, yeah. The favor. Yes, the favor. Could we please get to it?

So, I'm gonna go ahead with the whole annulment thing, and need you to agree.

Excuse me. I'm sorry. But, did you say 'annulment'!?!

Now, our divorce was final a year ago next month. A year. And now you want to talk about an annulment? I tell him that I will agree to do that for him - that he just needs to tell me what to do. Will I have to sign something? Fill out a form? He tells me in not so many words that it's his new girlfriend's idea. That she wants the annulment. Of our marriage. One word, three letters: Our. We hang up. And I begin crying at my desk.

At first, I was confused by this reaction. Why would I be so upset about this? The divorce was done a year ago. I moved out long before that. Why the tears? After some serious thinking and talking about this request, I realize that I am upset that he wants me to agree to erase our past. Erase me. After 12 years, he wants to sign some papers and erase everything. Like it never happened. Once it's done, in the eyes of the church, we will never have been married. Maybe I shouldn't be the one to judge since it was me who walked out on our vows. I reneged on that promise. And, if I could do that, shouldn't he have the right to try to erase the hurt?

I fundamentally disagree with this. I don't regret my decision - to get married or to leave. I am proud of who I have become through these decisions and experiences. "J" knows all about my past, and loves me more in spite - or because of - it. I have such a hard time thinking about a new person coming into my ex-husband's life - which I shared for so long, and asking him to erase me. I am even more furious that he is agreeing to it. Is he ashamed? Is it because he can't say no? Is it because he can't move on with any parts of me still remaining? The guilt I feel as I write these words is overwhelming. That's why I said yes. That's why I didn't fight. Because I know that I made a decision that altered the course of his life forever. And as hard as it is for me, and as much as I disagree with it, I feel like it's one small thing I can do to help him move on. To find closure.

There is no erasing the past. The memories remain - in my mind and in photographs. I was a different person back then, as was he. I am grateful for the things I learned through him. Maybe he's still hurting from the things he learned through me. Maybe this will help him forget the bad times. I guess a part of me is scared that he'll forget the good. Maybe I'm more scared that I've become someone who can simply be erased.

I wonder if that's how he felt when I walked away.

A new address...again

I am sitting right now in the Junebug cafe - my favorite place in JP. That's not far off from what I'm doing every week, as I often find myself here for several hours at a time, disappearing into my thoughts through writing. This time, though, is slightly different. First, I sit here with one of my best girls, "D" who wanted to try her hand at writing, and was looking for some inspiration. Second, and obviously what this post is about, is the fact that I now live only a few blocks away from this place that has quickly become my book-writing mecca. I am at peace in this moment as I type away at my computer with my friend beside me and a passion fruit bubble tea on the table. However, as much as I am at peace in this particular moment, I feel my insides ready to explode from the torture I have subjected them to with my nomadic lifestyle.

I was dreading yesterday. I hated the thought of packing my clothes. And moving them. Again. I hated the thought of not being across the street from "J" anymore. I had become so accustomed to walking across the street at midnight to crawl into bed with him. Waking up in the morning, leaving him there to sleep while I went home to get ready for work. I loved our life. It was like living together - light. I was dreading this move, knowing it would require more planning and effort when we had become so used to impulsive and easy. I left his apartment on Friday night with a very heavy heart and headed back to my apartment in Southie for the last time.

I woke up yesterday morning and started the process. I was miserable. Through some amazing self-therapizing, I realized that moving has become synonymous with anger and disappointment, as the last few times have been laden with those emotions. I also realized that the reason moving is so depressing for me right now is because I am moving into yet another temporary situation, where I will not hang any of my pictures, put away any of my dishes, or have the ability to take a shower any time I want. No, these are luxuries I gave up a long time ago - and I have been going "backwards" ever since. I have been talking to "J" about my feelings toward moving for the past few weeks. I found it impossible to hide these emotions from him. I wanted him to be a part of this move. I wanted him to be the security I was searching for. The comfort that moving always left me longing for. Moving meant lonely. And I was tired of that feeling.

As I sit here today I wish I could say that yesterday was different for me. That it didn't leave me feeling those things. That I walked into my new place and felt "home". Instead, I packed up my car and drove out of Southie alone, and pulled up at the new house and started unloading my belongings. I carried my blow-up bed to my room where I sat and watched missed episodes of The Office. And cried. Because I miss that feeling of falling asleep on the couch. And of making breakfast un-interrupted. And leaving my coat on the back of the kitchen chair. I miss the feeling that comes with a home - no matter what kind of home it is.

I am still upset. And I'm trying so hard not to be. I wish that it had gone differently, and that I would be able to finally look at moving in a positive way. But I'm not there yet. To me, moving means temporary and sad. It means living with strangers. It means another undetermined amount of time where I will only feel comfortable in a small section of a house. But, it also means new friends. And I am really looking forward to building relationships with the kick-ass girls who are my new roomies. When no one else was there to welcome me home, they did. With smiles and hugs. And, you know, that alone is more than I have had during any of my recent moves. So, it's already looking up. I have a good feeling about my next move. That it will be a place I can call home. And hang a picture. And FINALLY put my Christmas present from LAST year on MY fridge (thanks, KB!). Yeah, I'm slowly getting there. In the meantime, I will learn what I can from this experience, and keep notes for my next book. I am glad knowing that when a friend comes to me in the future, and is feeling unsettled, I can offer my experience as a small amount of solace - and hopefully they will be able to find some peace from my struggle.

But, if "struggle" means every weekend walking to the Junebug and sipping on bubble tea, I think I'll be just fine.

Yes We Can!

I sit here tonight so inspired and amazed. Just 24 short hours ago the fate of our country was still undecided - who would lead us at this time of change and tension? Would America step up to the plate and elect change and hope that was written in a different color? Or would we continue to elect what we know, scared of change?

I sat and watched the coverage with my roommate because "J" was out of town. I was walking home from the bus stop when I received a text message that Obama had won Pennsylvania. I cheered out loud while walking down the street. That was a HUGE victory! I got home and was immediately glued to the television. I watched as every state came in. When he took Ohio I knew we had it. He had taken it. Ohio usually isn't good for much - but they sure did come through in a BIG way!!

At 11:00, life as we know it changed forever. We sent the message to the world that we are willing to change - that we're not happy with the way things have been running. We hate this war. We hate this administration. Race will no longer cripple us, but unite us. We are no longer white, black, Asian, Hispanic. But people who want something different.

I was jumping. Screaming. Crying. People who lived through the civil rights movement. People who experienced it. They are able to dream of greatness. For themselves. For their children. America will stand behind them. We will not shut the door any longer.

I woke up today with a renewed faith. I read what the rest of the world was saying. About Obama. About America. There is a new light that shines. A new hope that exists. Nothing could get me down today. This is too good. We have made history. My children and grandchildren will read about this moment in history books years from now. And I will tell the story with pride. I was here. I was a part of this. I felt the hope. Saw the tears. Wrapped myself in the joy. They will not understand this moment because they will not have seen a world as divided as we have. They will listen to our stories with interest, but no clear understanding. The world is so different now. We have changed it forever. And for so much the better.

I am so proud tonight. So inspired. So amazed. I hope that the next 4 years brings as much hope as this past day has brought. If it comes anywhere close, we are in for an awesome journey.