A Man Who Lived in No One’s Shadow

For fourteen years, my grandfather lived (at least by me) in my grandmother’s shadow. She was my favorite person on Earth; whenever she was around, I was no less than one foot away, and most often less than that. The day she died was, to this day, one of the most painful days of my life. I said goodbye to her, and hello to the man she left behind.

Looking back, it’s humorous to me that this man lived in anyone’s shadow. Bigger than life, my grandfather filled any room that he was in with an energy that was immediately contagious. He laughed a lot. He lived to make others laugh. He was always seeking out new jokes to tell anyone who would listen; he liked it best when it would cause me to fall down on the floor with laughter – and then he would tell it often. He loved passionately. For more than fifty years he was a fun and loving partner to my grandmother and then fell in love (at least) twice in the 21 years since then.

I am so lucky. These past 21 years have been amazing. There are moments when I notice something in my personality that is like him, and it always causes me to stop and smile. The last thing he ever said to me was “have fun, enjoy life.” He was absolutely the best example I have of someone who did just that. He traveled. He danced. He loved. A lot. He laughed. When I stop to think about what I’d want the tagline of my life to be, the answer is simple: “All Passion Spent.” I don’t want to get to the end and look back and wished I’d have loved more or had more fun. I want to do it now… while I’m here. The cool thing is, I have this man to thank for making me a person who will do just that. I have him to thank for my curiosity, my energy, my passion – and even my vanity (we can all thank him for that).

He always called my grandma “mum,” and I still loved to hear stories about her. I loved the way he talked about her and their life together. With his death, I kind of feel that I’m saying goodbye to her all over again. I hate knowing I’ll never hear her name like that again, or stories about her from such a close source.  But I am grateful for all the years I had with him, to get to know this man who is such a big part of who I am and want to be. 

The biggest difference on this eve of our final goodbyes is that all of these years later, I’d give anything to have both of them back. 

It’s Time to Look in the Mirror

It’s gotten to be too much. The constant diatribe of worthless opinions (ironic, I know, as I offer my own here). Have we forgotten how to be human? What ever happened to talking about how crazy people are in the privacy of our own homes – and then letting it go?

For those keeping score, let’s put things that matter together in this bucket. Equality, kindness, respect, food, clean water, (fair) education, housing, family and community. A pretty good list to at least start with. Then let’s put the rest of the pointless shit we spend so much time and energy on in the other: Skin color, hatred, sexual orientation, judgment, politics and stupidity. This encompasses a lot that most everything else can be put into.

What fundamentally bothers me – and genuinely worries me as a human being – is our haste to react and judge other people and their actions. Or, our inability to listen, or lack of trying to listen. Funny thing is, not one person (no matter the religion, faith, beliefs, socio-economic level) I know is free from fault. Let me say that again. Every single mother fucking person I know has made mistakes. A tweet we probably shouldn’t have posted? Sure. An outfit we shouldn’t have worn? Without a doubt. Something we regret saying? Um… where do I start?

I have no credibility to say this, but I’m going to anyways. People do crazy things. ALL OF US. Sometimes, there are reasons behind those things. Peer pressure. Alcohol. Drugs. Because we lacked good judgment. Sometimes, it’s things as serious as mental illness. But no matter what it is, who the fuck gives us the right to make claims, offer opinions and alter lives? If you haven’t yet, I recommend reading Jon Ronson’s “So You’ve Been Publicly Shamed.” It will (hopefully) offer some insight into what speculation and non-stop commentary and criticism can do to a person. I offer this piece of advice: If you don’t want someone’s ENTIRE future being shaped by something you don’t know everything about or fully understand, then I recommend not becoming part of the problem. Turn. It. Off. Don’t read the article. Or the tweet. Or the social post. We are in control and can stop the madness.

One day that poor woman who mis-represented herself for whatever reason she chose to do so (I might add while harming NO ONE) is going to be your son. Or your daughter’s friend. Or a sister-in-law. You are going to meet someone or have to console someone who is being or has been publicly shamed and you will see things differently. Stop for a minute and ask yourself this question: Is there a choice you made along the way that you are glad wasn’t slapped all over the front of the New York Times? Or the trending hashtag? I have lived a pretty “traditional” life (whatever that is anyways) and can tell you there are plenty of things I wouldn’t want splashed all over every single news outlet and website.

Side note: For this most current story, I can’t even take the ‘disgust wrapped in race’ discussion. Race inequality is a huge problem in this country (and other places of the world). Black men being gunned down in the streets? Despicable. We need to find an IMMEDIATE solution so that no other mother has to bury her son because of his skin color. A woman painting her skin and lying about her background? Personally, I’d like to focus on making the first issue the priority.

I recently read an article in Psychology Today that said as humans we’re supposed to be hard-wired to be empathetic; so I’m not sure why we need something big to jolt us in order to put ourselves in someone else’s shoes.

I’m done. I can’t take how mean we’ve become and how thoughtlessly we can ruin someone’s life and then pass over it like nothing has happened. I won’t do it anymore. I’m going to allow people the freedom to express themselves – and if they don’t like what I have to say, I’m going to turn the channel. Or de-friend them. I don’t love ignorance, but I am standing up for everyone’s right to be ignorant. Or intelligent. Or funny. Or politically incorrect. All without having to give up their freedom to live and exist with the rest of us, or risking their futures because the collective “society” deems them unworthy.

I challenge anyone who reads this: If there is something or someone who does something that is so hard for you to understand, ask questions. Research. But don’t spread rumors. Or hate. And when you think you’re just being interested in something, think about the person on the other side. The one who wasn’t seeking notoriety (even the good kind). Don’t take their lives away because of some altruistic “debate” someone said we need to have. Here’s the only debate we need to be having: Are we being kind enough to ALL of our neighbors? Personally (in my humble opinion) I say the answer is a resounding NO. And until it’s a resounding YES, I think we all have some mirror-looking and soul searching to do.